So I think I've finally figured out that it's not about me

So it's been just several weeks since I finally gave up on trying to figure things out. I know that I thought I was over it all even before then, but I was still struggling with it internally. I was just confused and lost in what everyone was telling me, and what people have told me. I was determined not to stop until I finally understood the truth. It doesn't help that over the summer, there's a lot more free time and just a lot of time to think.

So what exactly was I trying to figure out? It's really a lot of things put together. I was struggling with church. I was struggling with what I felt about the church, and why I felt that way. I was struggling with just the different teachings I've been getting. It just got to a point where I was so stretched thin from two different sides tugging at me. Are the gifts for today? Why can some people do cool things, have I just been blinded the whole time? And that's just a glimpse of some of the things I've been thinking about.

So I turned to people I knew from answers. I had people warn me and told me that I was being drawn into the charismatic movement. Likewise, I had others tell me that unless you've encountered the Holy Spirit, you really haven't really experienced what it means to be a Christian. But that's besides the point. I became so concerned about who I was. Was I charismatic, after growing up in a conservative church all my life? I didn't think so. But what about the things that I've seen happen right in front of my own eyes? What about the things that I've personally experienced? Also, I didn't want to be what people considered one of those crazy, psycho radical Christians... but wait, that's what some people tell me I'm supposed to be? I didn't want to be judged.

But I 'm so done. Thankfully. I've realized that I've approached everything in the wrong way. I was only lost because I was so caught up in who I was. Where was I, in what seemed to be the spectrum of Christianity, or so that what's its called. I was under the impression that when I got to where I should be, that's where I will find more of Jesus. When I hit that critical point between the different peaks of Christianity, I would get it. But wait, I thought we were all the church? Then it clicked. Why does it even matter. It hit me, thanks to God's grace or I'd be lost there forever. The more I dwell on where I am, who I am, and where people tell me who I should be, the more I'm going to be confused. The more I think about why I have no desire to be a part of this church, and why I feel so much more of God's presence somewhere else... that's just selfish. I admit it, at one point I decided that it would be awesome if I could just start a house church. Who needs the church? I actually thought about that, until I got slapped in the face last Sunday, when the pastor said, I'm sure you guys all know someone who hates the church. The people that are elitists and feel that they should just all be a part of a house church, because it's more organic, more raw. And that's when I realized just how prideful I've been. And I thought, wait, this is supposed to be about God! I mean, after all, that's who we gather to worship right?

And because I'm really not good at explaining my feelings, here's a long excerpt to a book that I'm re-reading:
"You are impressed when I give you a 'word of knowledge' about someone's physical illness, or some other knowledge that is not known to you. this knowledge comes when you touch My mind to just a small degree. I know all things. If you were to fully have my mind you would be able to know everything about everyone you encounter, just as you have begun to experience here. You would see all men just the way that I see them. But even then, there is more to fully abiding in Me. To know how to use such knowledge rightly, you must have My heart. Only then will you have My judgement. 


I can only trust you with My supernatural knowledge to the degree that you know My heart. The gifts of the Spirit that I have released to My church are but small tokens of the powers of the age to come. I have called you to be messengers of that age, and you must therefore know it's powers. You should earnestly desire the gifts because they are a part of Me, and I have given them to you so that you can be like me. You are are right to seek to know My mind, My ways and my purposes, but you must also earnestly desire to know My heart. When you know my heart, then the eyes of your heart will be opened. Then you will see as I see, and you will do what I do.


I am about to entrust much more of the powers of the age to come to My church. However, there is a great deception that often comes upon those who are trusted with great power. If you do not understand what I am about to show you, you too will fall to this deception.


You have asked me for My grace, and you shall have it. The first grace that will keep you on the path of life is to know the level of your present deception. Deception involves anything that you do not understand as I do. Knowing the level of your present deception brings humility, and I give My grace to the humble. 


That is why I said, 'Who is so blind but My servant...' And that is why I told the Pharisees, 'It is for judgement that I came into the world... to give sight to those who do not see, and to make blind those who see... If you were blind you would not be guilty, but because you claim to see, your guilt remains.' That is also why My light struck Paul blind when I called him. My light only revealed his true condition. Like him, you must struck blind int he natural so that you can see by My Spirit."

-Rick Joyner, The Final Quest

And while it's difficult to catch what Rick Joyner is trying to convey here because it's an excerpt of a very dense, compacted book... I find truth in what it says. Without going into much detail, the context is Jesus speaking to Rick Joyner. And what I really like is that the emphasis is on knowing God's heart. Living in harmony with God. It's not all about the supernatural gifts. It's not about how much power God gives us.

I guess one incident that helped me to understand this, is just this past week during prayer meeting, one of my friends suddenly told the group, that sometimes God tells him/her where people are at in their walk with God. And the person was looking at me, so my immediate reaction was what did you see?! I was offended, I was fearful. I was shocked because it was unexpected, and I just felt so embarrassed and vulnerable. And I had the question of why some people just seemed to be gifted with the more supernatural gifts.

But then he/she apologized because she probably shouldn't of said that. But then she explained that it helps her know how to pray for specific people. And then I was like whoa, if I had that gift, now... what would I think? I would be like judging and pointing fingers and all sort of condescending things. Then I realized, that if I was able to do that, or any other spiritual gift to prove a point, I wouldn't be using them correctly because I didn't understand God's heart. When I know how he thinks, when I love like he loves.

So ultimately it's all about God. It should be all about him... from the start. And looking back, if I only kept my focus on him; my struggle with the church, what I was looking for, my concern for what people thought about me wouldn't of existed! It was because I was so focused on me. I was so prideful. Prideful in looking for what I wanted, what feeds me. And I can go on and on about how I was missing the whole point. Now I know that I shouldn't even be thinking about all these things. And so whether or not the gifts of the Holy Spirit are for today, and whatever people thing about this and that... I figured that I can't go wrong if I just pursued God and Him alone.

Relationships

"Love will never manipulate or try to control out of insecurity, because love casts out all fear. The very place where relationships can be the most corrupted is also where they can be the most fulfilling, after redemption has worked in them. True love is a taste of heaven, and lust is the enemy's ultimate perversion of the glory of heaven. To the degree that you are free of lust on earth, you will begin to experience heaven.

Yes. As your mind is renewed by the Spirit of truth, you will not see relationships as opportunities to take from others, but to give. Giving provides the greatest fulfillment that we can ever know. The most wonderful human relationships are but fleeting glimpses of the ecstasy that comes when we give ourselves to the Lord in pure worship. What we experience in worship here your frail, unglorified body could not endure. The true worship of God will purify the soul for the glory of true relationships.

Therefore, you must not seek relationships, but true worship. Only then can relationships start to be what they are supposed to be. True love never seeks to be first, or to be in control, but rather it takes the place of humble service. If my husband and I had kept this in our marriage, we would be sitting next to the King now, and this great hall would be filled with many more souls."

Rick Joyner, The Final Quest

The world really does convey such a twisted definition of love. Seeking true worship rather than relationships. That's definitely something to think about.

So Thankful that our God is Unchanging

Our God is so great, yet he never changes. And I am so thankful for that. While there are days where I really just wanna dwell in my shame or guilt, or when there are times where I just wanna give up and let go... While I'm always so spontaneous and moody, God never ever changes. He's always there waiting for me, waiting for me to give up on trying to get a grip on myself and just surrender myself to Him. It was such a good reminder both tonight and Sunday morning, and even every morning as my alarm goes off (Never Change - AMP) that it doesn't matter if I feel like worshiping. It doesn't matter if feel horrible or guilty, or just so wretched and filled with my dirty sin. When I worship, it's about Him, it's not about me!

 I think I'm finally starting to understand. I think once I get out of the whole "me" idea... and be more focused on him, all my unsatisfactory and critical thoughts won't be there anymore.



"All I wanted to do was stay in this place and listen to Him. I remembered how I had once thought it must be boring for those angels who do nothing but worship Him continually before the throne. Now I knew that there was nothing more wonderful or exhilarating that we would ever do than to simply worship Him.
Such worship was what we were created for, and it would surely be the best part of heaven. I could not imagine how wonderful it would be if all the heavenly choirs were added. It was hard to believe that I had struggled so much with boredom during worship services. I knew that it was only because I had been almost completely out of touch with this heavenly reality during those times.
I was almost overwhelmed with the desire to go back and make up those times during worship services when I had allowed my mind to wander or had occupied myself with other things. The desire to express my adoration for Him became almost insatiable. I had to praise Him! As I opened my moth, I was shocked by the spontaneous worship that erupted from the entire army at the same time. I had almost forgotten that anyone else was there, yet we were all in perfect unity. The glorious worship that followed could not be described in the human language."
The Final Quest, Rick Joyner

The Final Quest

So along with the textbooks I ordered, I also decided to add The Vision, by Rick Joyner. My friend let me borrow The Final Quest, and The Vision is the two-in-one version which has both The Final Quest, and the sequel The Call. Instead of starting directly from The Call, where the trance would continue, I decided that I should re-read The Final Quest, as I knew that I would have to re-read it again because it's so complex and there is no way that me reading it through once for the sake of just completing the book would suffice. And as I'm reading it through the second time, I'm trying to read it with a more application mindset.

"Those who had not been wounded soon gave up trying to fight off the cultures and began running from the scene of battle. This first encounter with the enemy was so devastating that I was tempted to join in their flight. Then, incredibly fast, some of those who had fled began reappearing with full suits of armor on, holding large shields. This was the first bit of encouragement that I remember seeing.
These warriors who were returning no longer had the mirth of the party, but an awesome resolve had now replaced it. I knew that although they had been deceived once, they would not be easily deceived again. They began to take the places of those who had fallen, and even began forming new ranks to protect the rear flanks."

I just realized that that's me. That's exactly how I feel. Through all these years I thought I knew it all. I thought I was a believer - which I was; but, there was so much more that I didn't get. I was deceived in that I had "accepted" Christ, but I really didn't "crave any further revelation of God to our souls." as Tozer describes.

Being the guy that finds it really difficult to explain how I feel... yesterday I read chapter one of Tozer's The Pursuit of God. He sums up how I feel quite comprehensively:
"In the midst of this great chill there are some, I rejoice to acknowledge, who will not be content with shallow logic. They will admit the force of the argument, and then turn away with tears to hunt some lonely place and pray, to couch with their hearts, to see with their inner eyes, the wonder that is God."

Skipping a paragraph, he continues: "Every age has its own characteristics. Right now we are in an age of religious complexity. The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations, and a world of nervous activities which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart. The shallowness of our inner experience, the hollowness of our worship, and that servile imitation of the world which marks our promotional methods all testify that we, in this day, know God only imperfectly, and the peace of God scarcely at all."
Tozer, The Pursuit of God

When I read through this whole first chapter, I was shaken by every page. Every page seemingly described my every thought and feeling exactly, and even more so. I feel that while I was a believer growing up, I never had that want to seek after God. I never craved him, never pursued him. I never sought to worship him and to see his face. And until four or five months ago, that's how I lived. I knew a little about him, read his word every day, went to church, and I was satisfied. I'm not saying it felt right, but I was satisfied and content with what I was getting. But when I finally experienced him, however you want to describe that. Meeting the Holy Spirit, experiencing the Holy Spirit, felt the presence of God, I was touched. It all changed. In that one second, what was seemingly so ethereal, so distant, so unreal was all of a sudden so real, so tangible. And that made me want more. It made me realize that there was so much more than what I was doing. I felt empty, knowing that I was complacent and content with singing worship songs every Sunday morning, and listening and trying to apply what was said during the sermon after. Knowing that I spent time every day reading and in prayer, just hoping God would answer them. And of course, some of my prayers were answered, before I even understood what it all meant. And because of that I feel that I had developed a strong faith in God, even though I couldn't see him, and didn't know him personally. I knew that he cared for me when he showed me that he was greater than me. That he would take care of me and that he loves me and my family. When he cured my father from cancer, and when he provided for us when my dad had to take a medical leave. And while I was so bitter at myself, at my home church that I had attended all my life because they never seemingly showed me how real God was; I've come to and understanding that if I didn't go through all that, I probably would still be in the dark now. I needed to experience God's goodness, grace,  provision - I needed to experience his love for me first.

And while I have previously accused most of my old understanding of God because of my Asian conservative church, I find that to be completely false. I don't think that would be an accurate nor just accusation. This has nothing to do with me leaning towards any denomination of Christianity or anything of that sort. I wouldn't categorize myself, partly because I don't really have a good grasp of what all the denominations mean in the first place, and I won't until then. But even then, I'm just a man radically pursuing God to the fullest of my ability.