The Final Quest

So along with the textbooks I ordered, I also decided to add The Vision, by Rick Joyner. My friend let me borrow The Final Quest, and The Vision is the two-in-one version which has both The Final Quest, and the sequel The Call. Instead of starting directly from The Call, where the trance would continue, I decided that I should re-read The Final Quest, as I knew that I would have to re-read it again because it's so complex and there is no way that me reading it through once for the sake of just completing the book would suffice. And as I'm reading it through the second time, I'm trying to read it with a more application mindset.

"Those who had not been wounded soon gave up trying to fight off the cultures and began running from the scene of battle. This first encounter with the enemy was so devastating that I was tempted to join in their flight. Then, incredibly fast, some of those who had fled began reappearing with full suits of armor on, holding large shields. This was the first bit of encouragement that I remember seeing.
These warriors who were returning no longer had the mirth of the party, but an awesome resolve had now replaced it. I knew that although they had been deceived once, they would not be easily deceived again. They began to take the places of those who had fallen, and even began forming new ranks to protect the rear flanks."

I just realized that that's me. That's exactly how I feel. Through all these years I thought I knew it all. I thought I was a believer - which I was; but, there was so much more that I didn't get. I was deceived in that I had "accepted" Christ, but I really didn't "crave any further revelation of God to our souls." as Tozer describes.

Being the guy that finds it really difficult to explain how I feel... yesterday I read chapter one of Tozer's The Pursuit of God. He sums up how I feel quite comprehensively:
"In the midst of this great chill there are some, I rejoice to acknowledge, who will not be content with shallow logic. They will admit the force of the argument, and then turn away with tears to hunt some lonely place and pray, to couch with their hearts, to see with their inner eyes, the wonder that is God."

Skipping a paragraph, he continues: "Every age has its own characteristics. Right now we are in an age of religious complexity. The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations, and a world of nervous activities which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart. The shallowness of our inner experience, the hollowness of our worship, and that servile imitation of the world which marks our promotional methods all testify that we, in this day, know God only imperfectly, and the peace of God scarcely at all."
Tozer, The Pursuit of God

When I read through this whole first chapter, I was shaken by every page. Every page seemingly described my every thought and feeling exactly, and even more so. I feel that while I was a believer growing up, I never had that want to seek after God. I never craved him, never pursued him. I never sought to worship him and to see his face. And until four or five months ago, that's how I lived. I knew a little about him, read his word every day, went to church, and I was satisfied. I'm not saying it felt right, but I was satisfied and content with what I was getting. But when I finally experienced him, however you want to describe that. Meeting the Holy Spirit, experiencing the Holy Spirit, felt the presence of God, I was touched. It all changed. In that one second, what was seemingly so ethereal, so distant, so unreal was all of a sudden so real, so tangible. And that made me want more. It made me realize that there was so much more than what I was doing. I felt empty, knowing that I was complacent and content with singing worship songs every Sunday morning, and listening and trying to apply what was said during the sermon after. Knowing that I spent time every day reading and in prayer, just hoping God would answer them. And of course, some of my prayers were answered, before I even understood what it all meant. And because of that I feel that I had developed a strong faith in God, even though I couldn't see him, and didn't know him personally. I knew that he cared for me when he showed me that he was greater than me. That he would take care of me and that he loves me and my family. When he cured my father from cancer, and when he provided for us when my dad had to take a medical leave. And while I was so bitter at myself, at my home church that I had attended all my life because they never seemingly showed me how real God was; I've come to and understanding that if I didn't go through all that, I probably would still be in the dark now. I needed to experience God's goodness, grace,  provision - I needed to experience his love for me first.

And while I have previously accused most of my old understanding of God because of my Asian conservative church, I find that to be completely false. I don't think that would be an accurate nor just accusation. This has nothing to do with me leaning towards any denomination of Christianity or anything of that sort. I wouldn't categorize myself, partly because I don't really have a good grasp of what all the denominations mean in the first place, and I won't until then. But even then, I'm just a man radically pursuing God to the fullest of my ability.