So it's been just several weeks since I finally gave up on trying to figure things out. I know that I thought I was over it all even before then, but I was still struggling with it internally. I was just confused and lost in what everyone was telling me, and what people have told me. I was determined not to stop until I finally understood the truth. It doesn't help that over the summer, there's a lot more free time and just a lot of time to think.
So what exactly was I trying to figure out? It's really a lot of things put together. I was struggling with church. I was struggling with what I felt about the church, and why I felt that way. I was struggling with just the different teachings I've been getting. It just got to a point where I was so stretched thin from two different sides tugging at me. Are the gifts for today? Why can some people do cool things, have I just been blinded the whole time? And that's just a glimpse of some of the things I've been thinking about.
So I turned to people I knew from answers. I had people warn me and told me that I was being drawn into the charismatic movement. Likewise, I had others tell me that unless you've encountered the Holy Spirit, you really haven't really experienced what it means to be a Christian. But that's besides the point. I became so concerned about who I was. Was I charismatic, after growing up in a conservative church all my life? I didn't think so. But what about the things that I've seen happen right in front of my own eyes? What about the things that I've personally experienced? Also, I didn't want to be what people considered one of those crazy, psycho radical Christians... but wait, that's what some people tell me I'm supposed to be? I didn't want to be judged.
But I 'm so done. Thankfully. I've realized that I've approached everything in the wrong way. I was only lost because I was so caught up in who I was. Where was I, in what seemed to be the spectrum of Christianity, or so that what's its called. I was under the impression that when I got to where I should be, that's where I will find more of Jesus. When I hit that critical point between the different peaks of Christianity, I would get it. But wait, I thought we were all the church? Then it clicked. Why does it even matter. It hit me, thanks to God's grace or I'd be lost there forever. The more I dwell on where I am, who I am, and where people tell me who I should be, the more I'm going to be confused. The more I think about why I have no desire to be a part of this church, and why I feel so much more of God's presence somewhere else... that's just selfish. I admit it, at one point I decided that it would be awesome if I could just start a house church. Who needs the church? I actually thought about that, until I got slapped in the face last Sunday, when the pastor said, I'm sure you guys all know someone who hates the church. The people that are elitists and feel that they should just all be a part of a house church, because it's more organic, more raw. And that's when I realized just how prideful I've been. And I thought, wait, this is supposed to be about God! I mean, after all, that's who we gather to worship right?
And because I'm really not good at explaining my feelings, here's a long excerpt to a book that I'm re-reading:
"You are impressed when I give you a 'word of knowledge' about someone's physical illness, or some other knowledge that is not known to you. this knowledge comes when you touch My mind to just a small degree. I know all things. If you were to fully have my mind you would be able to know everything about everyone you encounter, just as you have begun to experience here. You would see all men just the way that I see them. But even then, there is more to fully abiding in Me. To know how to use such knowledge rightly, you must have My heart. Only then will you have My judgement.
I can only trust you with My supernatural knowledge to the degree that you know My heart. The gifts of the Spirit that I have released to My church are but small tokens of the powers of the age to come. I have called you to be messengers of that age, and you must therefore know it's powers. You should earnestly desire the gifts because they are a part of Me, and I have given them to you so that you can be like me. You are are right to seek to know My mind, My ways and my purposes, but you must also earnestly desire to know My heart. When you know my heart, then the eyes of your heart will be opened. Then you will see as I see, and you will do what I do.
I am about to entrust much more of the powers of the age to come to My church. However, there is a great deception that often comes upon those who are trusted with great power. If you do not understand what I am about to show you, you too will fall to this deception.
You have asked me for My grace, and you shall have it. The first grace that will keep you on the path of life is to know the level of your present deception. Deception involves anything that you do not understand as I do. Knowing the level of your present deception brings humility, and I give My grace to the humble.
That is why I said, 'Who is so blind but My servant...' And that is why I told the Pharisees, 'It is for judgement that I came into the world... to give sight to those who do not see, and to make blind those who see... If you were blind you would not be guilty, but because you claim to see, your guilt remains.' That is also why My light struck Paul blind when I called him. My light only revealed his true condition. Like him, you must struck blind int he natural so that you can see by My Spirit."
-Rick Joyner, The Final Quest
And while it's difficult to catch what Rick Joyner is trying to convey here because it's an excerpt of a very dense, compacted book... I find truth in what it says. Without going into much detail, the context is Jesus speaking to Rick Joyner. And what I really like is that the emphasis is on knowing God's heart. Living in harmony with God. It's not all about the supernatural gifts. It's not about how much power God gives us.
I guess one incident that helped me to understand this, is just this past week during prayer meeting, one of my friends suddenly told the group, that sometimes God tells him/her where people are at in their walk with God. And the person was looking at me, so my immediate reaction was what did you see?! I was offended, I was fearful. I was shocked because it was unexpected, and I just felt so embarrassed and vulnerable. And I had the question of why some people just seemed to be gifted with the more supernatural gifts.
But then he/she apologized because she probably shouldn't of said that. But then she explained that it helps her know how to pray for specific people. And then I was like whoa, if I had that gift, now... what would I think? I would be like judging and pointing fingers and all sort of condescending things. Then I realized, that if I was able to do that, or any other spiritual gift to prove a point, I wouldn't be using them correctly because I didn't understand God's heart. When I know how he thinks, when I love like he loves.
So ultimately it's all about God. It should be all about him... from the start. And looking back, if I only kept my focus on him; my struggle with the church, what I was looking for, my concern for what people thought about me wouldn't of existed! It was because I was so focused on me. I was so prideful. Prideful in looking for what I wanted, what feeds me. And I can go on and on about how I was missing the whole point. Now I know that I shouldn't even be thinking about all these things. And so whether or not the gifts of the Holy Spirit are for today, and whatever people thing about this and that... I figured that I can't go wrong if I just pursued God and Him alone.
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