I believe that after the last season of God showing me how faithful he is, through everything... He wants me to surrender. And I think that's great, because if I didn't understand His faithfulness, how would I be able to surrender myself completely? Only after I know that regardless of how I feel, whether I can hear Him, and however I feel, He's always there, working. That He's faithful in everything that He's already started in me.
I think that the past season was significant because it was a long period of time where I could feel His presence so strongly. Even though it was right after a big transitional period, it was still something that I've never gone through. Every single Sunday morning at service, I would just feel His presence so tangibly, so strongly. Every time I came before Him, I just felt His sweet, gentle presence, even if I was tired, and it was 3AM in the morning. But then all of a sudden, it all died down. And Pastor Quoc over and over again repeated that God is faithful. That whatever He has started in us, He will complete. That we need to worship in faith, even when we don't "feel it," because God is always working, whether we "feel it" or not.
But through that last season of understanding His faithfulness, I still feel insecure. How much am I really worth? I know He loves me, but what do I have to offer? I would ponder at what I'm good at. I just wanted one thing that I was gifted at, just one thing that I could offer. The past year, I've met and gotten to know so many people where I could just see God's anointing on them. I've met people who's passion to worship is so contagious. I've met people that seem to be able to hear God's voice clearly and consistently, and are so sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I've met people who have a intercessors' heart, people that just never seem to run out of steam. They just continually pray for others and know what to pray for and how to pray for everyone. I've met people that can speak truth and life with authority. I've met people that have a hunger for revival to come on their campus.
And I just sat in my room thinking. I know how to play guitar, I've led worship before, but I'm not anointed like these people are. And I can go on and on. I've thought about so many different gifts, and just compared myself to someone I knew that had that anointing. And I just felt so discouraged. I felt like I had nothing of worth to offer. Just my measly twenty minutes of guitar playing and singing, but it wasn't even anointed. Just my few minutes of listening to what God had to say to me, but without the clarity of the people that have that gift. My prayer is no where near as convicted as... but then it hit me.
Sometime last week, I decided to pick up The Vision, by Rick Joyner, a book that I have started a long time ago, and was near completion, but never got around to finishing it until early this week:
"When My Father moves His little finger, the whole universe trembles. To shake the nations with your words does not impress anyone who dwells here. But when even the least of My brethren on earth shows love, it brings joy to My Father's heart. When even the most humble church sings to My Father with true love in their hearts, He silences all of heaven to listen to them. He knows that one cannot help but to worship when they are beholding His glory here, but when those who are living in such darkness and difficulty sing with true hearts to Him, it touches Him more than all of the myriads of heaven can. Many times, the broken notes from earth caused all of heaven to weep with joy as they beheld My Father being touched. A few holy ones struggling to express their adoration for Him has many times caused Him to weep. Every time I see My brethren touch Him with true worship, it makes the pain and grief I knew on the cross seem like a small price to pay. Nothing brings Me more joy than when you worship My Father. I went to the cross so that you could worship Him through Me. It is in this worship that you, the Father and I are all one."
"Here, where His glory is seen, the angels cannot help but to worship. When you worship without seeing His glory in the midst of your trials, that is worship in Spirit and in truth. The Father seeks such to be His worshipers. Do not waste your trails. Worship the Father, not for what you will receive, but to bring Him joy. You will never be stronger than when you bring Him joy, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
I feel like I've missed the whole point. I lost my focus from Jesus. As I reflected upon it a little more, it was pride - I thought I've gone so far. And I have, but only to realize that there is so much more. It's like I've only got a tiny glimpse of what God has in store for me, what he's going to do. And because I don't usually consider myself a prideful person, when someone finally tells me they feel that I have a prideful spirit, it shocks me because I can't believe I haven't noticed. And so starts the process of God pruning me. And that process is never fun, but I'm excited to when all the residue bursts into flames and those barriers are gone.
And while God continues to sharpen me, I've come to realization that he does have a plan for me. Not because I'm such an awesome person, but because of His grace. Also, that I shouldn't be seeking after the anointing of others, because it wouldn't fit me anyway. All God wants is what I have, even if it's just two coins. I think it all comes to spending time in my secret place. I mean that's giving him my all, giving him my time. Now come to think of it, I can feel His presence so strongly every time I go to church, every time I am at a prayer meeting, but I can still feel empty. There's still a certain part of me that needs to be filled when I'm with Jesus alone. It's then when I am truly fed.
Ahh, as I write this, I just can't help but feel like there are gaps. I just know that there is so much more that I don't know yet, but that God will show me.
I'm just going to end with a something that God told me after dance practice while we were asking God for direction for our ministry. I just heard Him speaking to me, in a gentle voice: "Tim, do you think that your dance skills matter when you worship me? You and your team could be great, amazing dancers, on par with high-caliber teams like Kaba Modern or The Company, yet still not be able to touch anyone. The only way you guys will be able to move and touch people is through me. It's not about you Tim. Remember that I can use the weak.
And as one of the newest members, sometimes I just tend to feel like I'm always straggling on picking up the choreography, but now I know...
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