Sunday, December 25, 2011
By Your Grace
Jesus, It's by Your grace that I can attend this conference. It's by Your grace that I have such amazing friends and a community that I couldn't ask for more. It's by Your grace that I am having the best winter break of my life, and that You have been continually filling me up. It's by your grace that I can experience Your love in such tangible ways. You love me so dearly. I can't wait to encounter You and to know you more.
Monday, December 5, 2011
And I'm in that place once again.
Or have I ever been in this place? I'm not sure. Or maybe I've just never realized what was going on.
One thing I've come to realize in the last several of days is that I've been blaming others when I feel like I'm not connected to God. When I want to worship but I can't, it's because the leader is playing in a key that I can't sing in, or just because I can't stand the style. Or maybe it's just because I don't know the song. When I'm trying to spend time with Jesus alone, but I just don't feel Him - it's got to be "this season" I'm going through. It's not my fault. At prayer meetings, I would come up with this most ridiculous excuses. I feel out of place because I'm the only guy here this week, and I'm the oldest. And along with that, realizing that I've been starting to depend on others to break through that initial veil for me so I could get that connection. I've been getting used to just being able to come into a place, and being able to worship, and give everything up to God. Once, in one of the smaller prayer groups, no one else wanted to lead worship, so I picked up the guitar, thinking why not? I played a couple of songs and put the guitar down, not knowing why it just felt forced and that it was different then when i played alone, or when I was just jamming. This time, the excuse was, I'm just not anointed in musical worship. And I actually didn't ever want to lead worship again. The more I think about it, the more I feel so ashamed and so embarrassed.
And I couldn't help but wonder what it was that took away those two months of just, pure, heartfelt worship away every Sunday at church, every night upstairs, every time I spent time with Him. From being able to experience a glorious experience every moment, to a sudden flatness. Where I learned to worship in faith. But even then, I always had a question of why God would take it away. I mean, it's not necessary, but I thought that it was a good thing. It gave me affirmation that God loved it when I came before Him. And then it clicked. Pride.
Two days ago, I picked up the book, The Pursuit of God, by A.W. Tozer. It was a book where I've read the first two chapters, amazed at how much I agreed with the book. Until the third chapter, Removing the Veil. The chapter first explains that "God wills that we should push on into His Presence and live our whole life there." And this book just hits the spot in explaining a lot of the questions I have in each different phase I'm in. I was always confused, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how I felt whenever the pastor or someone in a prayer gathering would mention that the presence of God is so heavy in the room. It was confusing to me because I had always though that God is present everywhere. But Tozer explains, "The omnipresence of the Lord is one thing, and is a solemn fact necessary to His perfection; the manifest Presence is another thing altogether, and from that Presence we have fled, like Adam, to hide among the tress of the garden, or like Peter to shrink away crying, "depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord." And then illustrating the difference by using the veil that separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the tabernacle. How when Jesus died on the cross for us, the veil was torn apart for "every worshiper in the world to come by the new and living way straight into the divine Presence."
So this is where I was really happy. I was like YES! So how do I understand this, and how do I return into His Presence? This is where I started to realize how much of a feeler I am, after meeting up with a friend I haven't seen in a couple of years just to catch up and share our struggles and how God was working in our lives. He mentioned something about how feelers are always moody because we live on how we feel. That doesn't mean feelers can't be stable, but it's just all about, how everything feels. The book then delves deeper in what this "veil" is all about:
And I immediately remember the first time I met up with my youth pastor for an evaluation back in high school. He sensed that I had a lot of pride. Pride in serving the church, and feelings of self-righteousness. And while it was hard to eat and admit it, I knew it was true. But yet, the thought never even crossed my mind before. I was always so insecure, that I thought that there was no way that pride would ever get a hold on me, but before I knew it, there it was.
And that's why I've been coming up with all these excuses. I was prideful. I was dealing with something that I didnt' even know I had. And I think some of this even goes back to why I was struggling with the church I left several months ago. The more I dwell upon it now, the more and more I realize how blind I am.
And so in this season of surrendering, I realized that God is cleansing me. God wants all of me, not just some of it. That God doesn't want to negotiate, God wants everything. I've gotten a word from someone that God held a torch, and stuck it into my stomach. And that he was burning away all the residue that wasn't of Him. And when I first got that word, I was like wow. And then began the process of God just opening my eyes to see all the compromise in my life.
And it's been hard, but it's been good. Yesterday, I knew that God was going to speak to me at church. And He did. Sometimes, I can get a sense of when things are changing because it just so happens that the songs I sing shift or cycle. And early morning on Saturday, I just kept on singing songs that led me to remind me that I'm His beloved. That he loves me. That I'm a lover of His Presence. And that should be the only basis on why I should seek after Him. And then Sunday morning, worship was composed of songs all pointing towards His love for us, but in a sense that there is no turning back, and that I am not going to hold anything back. That He wants everything, all of me. We asked God to set a fire in our hearts that we can't control or explain. And it was so funny because the whole time, I just felt a burning in my heart. No, it wasn't because I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, but because I knew that God was stirring in my heart, that he was working in me. But even through these times, when it's hard because it's never easy to be purged, God has been encouraging me. I feel like I have a better understand of God's love for me now, than even before God opened my eyes to all of the junk I have in me. God is good. All the time.
One thing I've come to realize in the last several of days is that I've been blaming others when I feel like I'm not connected to God. When I want to worship but I can't, it's because the leader is playing in a key that I can't sing in, or just because I can't stand the style. Or maybe it's just because I don't know the song. When I'm trying to spend time with Jesus alone, but I just don't feel Him - it's got to be "this season" I'm going through. It's not my fault. At prayer meetings, I would come up with this most ridiculous excuses. I feel out of place because I'm the only guy here this week, and I'm the oldest. And along with that, realizing that I've been starting to depend on others to break through that initial veil for me so I could get that connection. I've been getting used to just being able to come into a place, and being able to worship, and give everything up to God. Once, in one of the smaller prayer groups, no one else wanted to lead worship, so I picked up the guitar, thinking why not? I played a couple of songs and put the guitar down, not knowing why it just felt forced and that it was different then when i played alone, or when I was just jamming. This time, the excuse was, I'm just not anointed in musical worship. And I actually didn't ever want to lead worship again. The more I think about it, the more I feel so ashamed and so embarrassed.
And I couldn't help but wonder what it was that took away those two months of just, pure, heartfelt worship away every Sunday at church, every night upstairs, every time I spent time with Him. From being able to experience a glorious experience every moment, to a sudden flatness. Where I learned to worship in faith. But even then, I always had a question of why God would take it away. I mean, it's not necessary, but I thought that it was a good thing. It gave me affirmation that God loved it when I came before Him. And then it clicked. Pride.
Two days ago, I picked up the book, The Pursuit of God, by A.W. Tozer. It was a book where I've read the first two chapters, amazed at how much I agreed with the book. Until the third chapter, Removing the Veil. The chapter first explains that "God wills that we should push on into His Presence and live our whole life there." And this book just hits the spot in explaining a lot of the questions I have in each different phase I'm in. I was always confused, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how I felt whenever the pastor or someone in a prayer gathering would mention that the presence of God is so heavy in the room. It was confusing to me because I had always though that God is present everywhere. But Tozer explains, "The omnipresence of the Lord is one thing, and is a solemn fact necessary to His perfection; the manifest Presence is another thing altogether, and from that Presence we have fled, like Adam, to hide among the tress of the garden, or like Peter to shrink away crying, "depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord." And then illustrating the difference by using the veil that separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the tabernacle. How when Jesus died on the cross for us, the veil was torn apart for "every worshiper in the world to come by the new and living way straight into the divine Presence."
So this is where I was really happy. I was like YES! So how do I understand this, and how do I return into His Presence? This is where I started to realize how much of a feeler I am, after meeting up with a friend I haven't seen in a couple of years just to catch up and share our struggles and how God was working in our lives. He mentioned something about how feelers are always moody because we live on how we feel. That doesn't mean feelers can't be stable, but it's just all about, how everything feels. The book then delves deeper in what this "veil" is all about:
"We have but to look in our own hearts and we shall see it there, sewn and patched and repaired it may be, but there nevertheless, an enemy to our lives and an effective block to our spiritual progress."
"This veil is not a beautiful thing and it is not a thing about which we commonly care to talk, but I am addressing the thirsting souls who area determined to follow God. and I know they will not turn back because the way leads temporarily through blackened hills. The urge of god within them will assure their continuing the pursuit. They will face the facts however unpleasant and endure the cross for the joy set before them. So I am bold to name the threads out of which this inner veil is woven."The veil is something we are. Tozer explains that we are powerless because these self-sins, namely self righteousness, self admiration... etc... dwell too deep within us and are a part of our natures so we can't recognize them until the light of God is focused on them.
And I immediately remember the first time I met up with my youth pastor for an evaluation back in high school. He sensed that I had a lot of pride. Pride in serving the church, and feelings of self-righteousness. And while it was hard to eat and admit it, I knew it was true. But yet, the thought never even crossed my mind before. I was always so insecure, that I thought that there was no way that pride would ever get a hold on me, but before I knew it, there it was.
And that's why I've been coming up with all these excuses. I was prideful. I was dealing with something that I didnt' even know I had. And I think some of this even goes back to why I was struggling with the church I left several months ago. The more I dwell upon it now, the more and more I realize how blind I am.
And so in this season of surrendering, I realized that God is cleansing me. God wants all of me, not just some of it. That God doesn't want to negotiate, God wants everything. I've gotten a word from someone that God held a torch, and stuck it into my stomach. And that he was burning away all the residue that wasn't of Him. And when I first got that word, I was like wow. And then began the process of God just opening my eyes to see all the compromise in my life.
And it's been hard, but it's been good. Yesterday, I knew that God was going to speak to me at church. And He did. Sometimes, I can get a sense of when things are changing because it just so happens that the songs I sing shift or cycle. And early morning on Saturday, I just kept on singing songs that led me to remind me that I'm His beloved. That he loves me. That I'm a lover of His Presence. And that should be the only basis on why I should seek after Him. And then Sunday morning, worship was composed of songs all pointing towards His love for us, but in a sense that there is no turning back, and that I am not going to hold anything back. That He wants everything, all of me. We asked God to set a fire in our hearts that we can't control or explain. And it was so funny because the whole time, I just felt a burning in my heart. No, it wasn't because I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, but because I knew that God was stirring in my heart, that he was working in me. But even through these times, when it's hard because it's never easy to be purged, God has been encouraging me. I feel like I have a better understand of God's love for me now, than even before God opened my eyes to all of the junk I have in me. God is good. All the time.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Surrender
What does it mean to surrender? What does it mean to give God everything?
I believe that after the last season of God showing me how faithful he is, through everything... He wants me to surrender. And I think that's great, because if I didn't understand His faithfulness, how would I be able to surrender myself completely? Only after I know that regardless of how I feel, whether I can hear Him, and however I feel, He's always there, working. That He's faithful in everything that He's already started in me.
I think that the past season was significant because it was a long period of time where I could feel His presence so strongly. Even though it was right after a big transitional period, it was still something that I've never gone through. Every single Sunday morning at service, I would just feel His presence so tangibly, so strongly. Every time I came before Him, I just felt His sweet, gentle presence, even if I was tired, and it was 3AM in the morning. But then all of a sudden, it all died down. And Pastor Quoc over and over again repeated that God is faithful. That whatever He has started in us, He will complete. That we need to worship in faith, even when we don't "feel it," because God is always working, whether we "feel it" or not.
But through that last season of understanding His faithfulness, I still feel insecure. How much am I really worth? I know He loves me, but what do I have to offer? I would ponder at what I'm good at. I just wanted one thing that I was gifted at, just one thing that I could offer. The past year, I've met and gotten to know so many people where I could just see God's anointing on them. I've met people who's passion to worship is so contagious. I've met people that seem to be able to hear God's voice clearly and consistently, and are so sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I've met people who have a intercessors' heart, people that just never seem to run out of steam. They just continually pray for others and know what to pray for and how to pray for everyone. I've met people that can speak truth and life with authority. I've met people that have a hunger for revival to come on their campus.
And I just sat in my room thinking. I know how to play guitar, I've led worship before, but I'm not anointed like these people are. And I can go on and on. I've thought about so many different gifts, and just compared myself to someone I knew that had that anointing. And I just felt so discouraged. I felt like I had nothing of worth to offer. Just my measly twenty minutes of guitar playing and singing, but it wasn't even anointed. Just my few minutes of listening to what God had to say to me, but without the clarity of the people that have that gift. My prayer is no where near as convicted as... but then it hit me.
Sometime last week, I decided to pick up The Vision, by Rick Joyner, a book that I have started a long time ago, and was near completion, but never got around to finishing it until early this week:
I feel like I've missed the whole point. I lost my focus from Jesus. As I reflected upon it a little more, it was pride - I thought I've gone so far. And I have, but only to realize that there is so much more. It's like I've only got a tiny glimpse of what God has in store for me, what he's going to do. And because I don't usually consider myself a prideful person, when someone finally tells me they feel that I have a prideful spirit, it shocks me because I can't believe I haven't noticed. And so starts the process of God pruning me. And that process is never fun, but I'm excited to when all the residue bursts into flames and those barriers are gone.
And while God continues to sharpen me, I've come to realization that he does have a plan for me. Not because I'm such an awesome person, but because of His grace. Also, that I shouldn't be seeking after the anointing of others, because it wouldn't fit me anyway. All God wants is what I have, even if it's just two coins. I think it all comes to spending time in my secret place. I mean that's giving him my all, giving him my time. Now come to think of it, I can feel His presence so strongly every time I go to church, every time I am at a prayer meeting, but I can still feel empty. There's still a certain part of me that needs to be filled when I'm with Jesus alone. It's then when I am truly fed.
Ahh, as I write this, I just can't help but feel like there are gaps. I just know that there is so much more that I don't know yet, but that God will show me.
I'm just going to end with a something that God told me after dance practice while we were asking God for direction for our ministry. I just heard Him speaking to me, in a gentle voice: "Tim, do you think that your dance skills matter when you worship me? You and your team could be great, amazing dancers, on par with high-caliber teams like Kaba Modern or The Company, yet still not be able to touch anyone. The only way you guys will be able to move and touch people is through me. It's not about you Tim. Remember that I can use the weak.
And as one of the newest members, sometimes I just tend to feel like I'm always straggling on picking up the choreography, but now I know...
I believe that after the last season of God showing me how faithful he is, through everything... He wants me to surrender. And I think that's great, because if I didn't understand His faithfulness, how would I be able to surrender myself completely? Only after I know that regardless of how I feel, whether I can hear Him, and however I feel, He's always there, working. That He's faithful in everything that He's already started in me.
I think that the past season was significant because it was a long period of time where I could feel His presence so strongly. Even though it was right after a big transitional period, it was still something that I've never gone through. Every single Sunday morning at service, I would just feel His presence so tangibly, so strongly. Every time I came before Him, I just felt His sweet, gentle presence, even if I was tired, and it was 3AM in the morning. But then all of a sudden, it all died down. And Pastor Quoc over and over again repeated that God is faithful. That whatever He has started in us, He will complete. That we need to worship in faith, even when we don't "feel it," because God is always working, whether we "feel it" or not.
But through that last season of understanding His faithfulness, I still feel insecure. How much am I really worth? I know He loves me, but what do I have to offer? I would ponder at what I'm good at. I just wanted one thing that I was gifted at, just one thing that I could offer. The past year, I've met and gotten to know so many people where I could just see God's anointing on them. I've met people who's passion to worship is so contagious. I've met people that seem to be able to hear God's voice clearly and consistently, and are so sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I've met people who have a intercessors' heart, people that just never seem to run out of steam. They just continually pray for others and know what to pray for and how to pray for everyone. I've met people that can speak truth and life with authority. I've met people that have a hunger for revival to come on their campus.
And I just sat in my room thinking. I know how to play guitar, I've led worship before, but I'm not anointed like these people are. And I can go on and on. I've thought about so many different gifts, and just compared myself to someone I knew that had that anointing. And I just felt so discouraged. I felt like I had nothing of worth to offer. Just my measly twenty minutes of guitar playing and singing, but it wasn't even anointed. Just my few minutes of listening to what God had to say to me, but without the clarity of the people that have that gift. My prayer is no where near as convicted as... but then it hit me.
Sometime last week, I decided to pick up The Vision, by Rick Joyner, a book that I have started a long time ago, and was near completion, but never got around to finishing it until early this week:
"When My Father moves His little finger, the whole universe trembles. To shake the nations with your words does not impress anyone who dwells here. But when even the least of My brethren on earth shows love, it brings joy to My Father's heart. When even the most humble church sings to My Father with true love in their hearts, He silences all of heaven to listen to them. He knows that one cannot help but to worship when they are beholding His glory here, but when those who are living in such darkness and difficulty sing with true hearts to Him, it touches Him more than all of the myriads of heaven can. Many times, the broken notes from earth caused all of heaven to weep with joy as they beheld My Father being touched. A few holy ones struggling to express their adoration for Him has many times caused Him to weep. Every time I see My brethren touch Him with true worship, it makes the pain and grief I knew on the cross seem like a small price to pay. Nothing brings Me more joy than when you worship My Father. I went to the cross so that you could worship Him through Me. It is in this worship that you, the Father and I are all one."
"Here, where His glory is seen, the angels cannot help but to worship. When you worship without seeing His glory in the midst of your trials, that is worship in Spirit and in truth. The Father seeks such to be His worshipers. Do not waste your trails. Worship the Father, not for what you will receive, but to bring Him joy. You will never be stronger than when you bring Him joy, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
I feel like I've missed the whole point. I lost my focus from Jesus. As I reflected upon it a little more, it was pride - I thought I've gone so far. And I have, but only to realize that there is so much more. It's like I've only got a tiny glimpse of what God has in store for me, what he's going to do. And because I don't usually consider myself a prideful person, when someone finally tells me they feel that I have a prideful spirit, it shocks me because I can't believe I haven't noticed. And so starts the process of God pruning me. And that process is never fun, but I'm excited to when all the residue bursts into flames and those barriers are gone.
And while God continues to sharpen me, I've come to realization that he does have a plan for me. Not because I'm such an awesome person, but because of His grace. Also, that I shouldn't be seeking after the anointing of others, because it wouldn't fit me anyway. All God wants is what I have, even if it's just two coins. I think it all comes to spending time in my secret place. I mean that's giving him my all, giving him my time. Now come to think of it, I can feel His presence so strongly every time I go to church, every time I am at a prayer meeting, but I can still feel empty. There's still a certain part of me that needs to be filled when I'm with Jesus alone. It's then when I am truly fed.
Ahh, as I write this, I just can't help but feel like there are gaps. I just know that there is so much more that I don't know yet, but that God will show me.
I'm just going to end with a something that God told me after dance practice while we were asking God for direction for our ministry. I just heard Him speaking to me, in a gentle voice: "Tim, do you think that your dance skills matter when you worship me? You and your team could be great, amazing dancers, on par with high-caliber teams like Kaba Modern or The Company, yet still not be able to touch anyone. The only way you guys will be able to move and touch people is through me. It's not about you Tim. Remember that I can use the weak.
And as one of the newest members, sometimes I just tend to feel like I'm always straggling on picking up the choreography, but now I know...
Friday, September 30, 2011
Eight Count
Congratulations Timothy!
Thank you so much for attending the Eight Count Dance Ministry auditions. After extensive review of your audition and interview, we would like to cordially invite you to be a part of the Eight Count Dance Ministry! We felt that you will be an invaluable member to the dynamic fellowship and quality performance of the ministry. Therefore, please mark your calendar with the following dates...
YES. Third year auditioning, and finally making it on the team after a year of being on the training ministry, and then another year being the understudy. PTL. Thank you Jesus! Now, to just pray that my schedule will be okay and that I pass the FE exam even though I'll be missing parts of the review sessions on Tues/Thurs. Man, I'm so excited for this upcoming season, I really don't know why. It feels so different. I know it got really tough after a while because I put myself in the wrong mindset last season. But yeah, I am determined to glorify God and him alone this season. Not losin' focus. Even after callbacks and the interview, I was really surprised that I felt absolutely at peace. I didn't feel uneasy or anything like that for the next 5 days until I got the results like I did the last two years. I knew that it was in God's hands, and that if I didn't make it, then it wouldn't have been the right time for me to be a part of the ministry.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
So I think I've finally figured out that it's not about me
So it's been just several weeks since I finally gave up on trying to figure things out. I know that I thought I was over it all even before then, but I was still struggling with it internally. I was just confused and lost in what everyone was telling me, and what people have told me. I was determined not to stop until I finally understood the truth. It doesn't help that over the summer, there's a lot more free time and just a lot of time to think.
So what exactly was I trying to figure out? It's really a lot of things put together. I was struggling with church. I was struggling with what I felt about the church, and why I felt that way. I was struggling with just the different teachings I've been getting. It just got to a point where I was so stretched thin from two different sides tugging at me. Are the gifts for today? Why can some people do cool things, have I just been blinded the whole time? And that's just a glimpse of some of the things I've been thinking about.
So I turned to people I knew from answers. I had people warn me and told me that I was being drawn into the charismatic movement. Likewise, I had others tell me that unless you've encountered the Holy Spirit, you really haven't really experienced what it means to be a Christian. But that's besides the point. I became so concerned about who I was. Was I charismatic, after growing up in a conservative church all my life? I didn't think so. But what about the things that I've seen happen right in front of my own eyes? What about the things that I've personally experienced? Also, I didn't want to be what people considered one of those crazy, psycho radical Christians... but wait, that's what some people tell me I'm supposed to be? I didn't want to be judged.
But I 'm so done. Thankfully. I've realized that I've approached everything in the wrong way. I was only lost because I was so caught up in who I was. Where was I, in what seemed to be the spectrum of Christianity, or so that what's its called. I was under the impression that when I got to where I should be, that's where I will find more of Jesus. When I hit that critical point between the different peaks of Christianity, I would get it. But wait, I thought we were all the church? Then it clicked. Why does it even matter. It hit me, thanks to God's grace or I'd be lost there forever. The more I dwell on where I am, who I am, and where people tell me who I should be, the more I'm going to be confused. The more I think about why I have no desire to be a part of this church, and why I feel so much more of God's presence somewhere else... that's just selfish. I admit it, at one point I decided that it would be awesome if I could just start a house church. Who needs the church? I actually thought about that, until I got slapped in the face last Sunday, when the pastor said, I'm sure you guys all know someone who hates the church. The people that are elitists and feel that they should just all be a part of a house church, because it's more organic, more raw. And that's when I realized just how prideful I've been. And I thought, wait, this is supposed to be about God! I mean, after all, that's who we gather to worship right?
And because I'm really not good at explaining my feelings, here's a long excerpt to a book that I'm re-reading:
"You are impressed when I give you a 'word of knowledge' about someone's physical illness, or some other knowledge that is not known to you. this knowledge comes when you touch My mind to just a small degree. I know all things. If you were to fully have my mind you would be able to know everything about everyone you encounter, just as you have begun to experience here. You would see all men just the way that I see them. But even then, there is more to fully abiding in Me. To know how to use such knowledge rightly, you must have My heart. Only then will you have My judgement.
I can only trust you with My supernatural knowledge to the degree that you know My heart. The gifts of the Spirit that I have released to My church are but small tokens of the powers of the age to come. I have called you to be messengers of that age, and you must therefore know it's powers. You should earnestly desire the gifts because they are a part of Me, and I have given them to you so that you can be like me. You are are right to seek to know My mind, My ways and my purposes, but you must also earnestly desire to know My heart. When you know my heart, then the eyes of your heart will be opened. Then you will see as I see, and you will do what I do.
I am about to entrust much more of the powers of the age to come to My church. However, there is a great deception that often comes upon those who are trusted with great power. If you do not understand what I am about to show you, you too will fall to this deception.
You have asked me for My grace, and you shall have it. The first grace that will keep you on the path of life is to know the level of your present deception. Deception involves anything that you do not understand as I do. Knowing the level of your present deception brings humility, and I give My grace to the humble.
That is why I said, 'Who is so blind but My servant...' And that is why I told the Pharisees, 'It is for judgement that I came into the world... to give sight to those who do not see, and to make blind those who see... If you were blind you would not be guilty, but because you claim to see, your guilt remains.' That is also why My light struck Paul blind when I called him. My light only revealed his true condition. Like him, you must struck blind int he natural so that you can see by My Spirit."
-Rick Joyner, The Final Quest
And while it's difficult to catch what Rick Joyner is trying to convey here because it's an excerpt of a very dense, compacted book... I find truth in what it says. Without going into much detail, the context is Jesus speaking to Rick Joyner. And what I really like is that the emphasis is on knowing God's heart. Living in harmony with God. It's not all about the supernatural gifts. It's not about how much power God gives us.
I guess one incident that helped me to understand this, is just this past week during prayer meeting, one of my friends suddenly told the group, that sometimes God tells him/her where people are at in their walk with God. And the person was looking at me, so my immediate reaction was what did you see?! I was offended, I was fearful. I was shocked because it was unexpected, and I just felt so embarrassed and vulnerable. And I had the question of why some people just seemed to be gifted with the more supernatural gifts.
But then he/she apologized because she probably shouldn't of said that. But then she explained that it helps her know how to pray for specific people. And then I was like whoa, if I had that gift, now... what would I think? I would be like judging and pointing fingers and all sort of condescending things. Then I realized, that if I was able to do that, or any other spiritual gift to prove a point, I wouldn't be using them correctly because I didn't understand God's heart. When I know how he thinks, when I love like he loves.
So ultimately it's all about God. It should be all about him... from the start. And looking back, if I only kept my focus on him; my struggle with the church, what I was looking for, my concern for what people thought about me wouldn't of existed! It was because I was so focused on me. I was so prideful. Prideful in looking for what I wanted, what feeds me. And I can go on and on about how I was missing the whole point. Now I know that I shouldn't even be thinking about all these things. And so whether or not the gifts of the Holy Spirit are for today, and whatever people thing about this and that... I figured that I can't go wrong if I just pursued God and Him alone.
So what exactly was I trying to figure out? It's really a lot of things put together. I was struggling with church. I was struggling with what I felt about the church, and why I felt that way. I was struggling with just the different teachings I've been getting. It just got to a point where I was so stretched thin from two different sides tugging at me. Are the gifts for today? Why can some people do cool things, have I just been blinded the whole time? And that's just a glimpse of some of the things I've been thinking about.
So I turned to people I knew from answers. I had people warn me and told me that I was being drawn into the charismatic movement. Likewise, I had others tell me that unless you've encountered the Holy Spirit, you really haven't really experienced what it means to be a Christian. But that's besides the point. I became so concerned about who I was. Was I charismatic, after growing up in a conservative church all my life? I didn't think so. But what about the things that I've seen happen right in front of my own eyes? What about the things that I've personally experienced? Also, I didn't want to be what people considered one of those crazy, psycho radical Christians... but wait, that's what some people tell me I'm supposed to be? I didn't want to be judged.
But I 'm so done. Thankfully. I've realized that I've approached everything in the wrong way. I was only lost because I was so caught up in who I was. Where was I, in what seemed to be the spectrum of Christianity, or so that what's its called. I was under the impression that when I got to where I should be, that's where I will find more of Jesus. When I hit that critical point between the different peaks of Christianity, I would get it. But wait, I thought we were all the church? Then it clicked. Why does it even matter. It hit me, thanks to God's grace or I'd be lost there forever. The more I dwell on where I am, who I am, and where people tell me who I should be, the more I'm going to be confused. The more I think about why I have no desire to be a part of this church, and why I feel so much more of God's presence somewhere else... that's just selfish. I admit it, at one point I decided that it would be awesome if I could just start a house church. Who needs the church? I actually thought about that, until I got slapped in the face last Sunday, when the pastor said, I'm sure you guys all know someone who hates the church. The people that are elitists and feel that they should just all be a part of a house church, because it's more organic, more raw. And that's when I realized just how prideful I've been. And I thought, wait, this is supposed to be about God! I mean, after all, that's who we gather to worship right?
And because I'm really not good at explaining my feelings, here's a long excerpt to a book that I'm re-reading:
"You are impressed when I give you a 'word of knowledge' about someone's physical illness, or some other knowledge that is not known to you. this knowledge comes when you touch My mind to just a small degree. I know all things. If you were to fully have my mind you would be able to know everything about everyone you encounter, just as you have begun to experience here. You would see all men just the way that I see them. But even then, there is more to fully abiding in Me. To know how to use such knowledge rightly, you must have My heart. Only then will you have My judgement.
I can only trust you with My supernatural knowledge to the degree that you know My heart. The gifts of the Spirit that I have released to My church are but small tokens of the powers of the age to come. I have called you to be messengers of that age, and you must therefore know it's powers. You should earnestly desire the gifts because they are a part of Me, and I have given them to you so that you can be like me. You are are right to seek to know My mind, My ways and my purposes, but you must also earnestly desire to know My heart. When you know my heart, then the eyes of your heart will be opened. Then you will see as I see, and you will do what I do.
I am about to entrust much more of the powers of the age to come to My church. However, there is a great deception that often comes upon those who are trusted with great power. If you do not understand what I am about to show you, you too will fall to this deception.
You have asked me for My grace, and you shall have it. The first grace that will keep you on the path of life is to know the level of your present deception. Deception involves anything that you do not understand as I do. Knowing the level of your present deception brings humility, and I give My grace to the humble.
That is why I said, 'Who is so blind but My servant...' And that is why I told the Pharisees, 'It is for judgement that I came into the world... to give sight to those who do not see, and to make blind those who see... If you were blind you would not be guilty, but because you claim to see, your guilt remains.' That is also why My light struck Paul blind when I called him. My light only revealed his true condition. Like him, you must struck blind int he natural so that you can see by My Spirit."
-Rick Joyner, The Final Quest
And while it's difficult to catch what Rick Joyner is trying to convey here because it's an excerpt of a very dense, compacted book... I find truth in what it says. Without going into much detail, the context is Jesus speaking to Rick Joyner. And what I really like is that the emphasis is on knowing God's heart. Living in harmony with God. It's not all about the supernatural gifts. It's not about how much power God gives us.
I guess one incident that helped me to understand this, is just this past week during prayer meeting, one of my friends suddenly told the group, that sometimes God tells him/her where people are at in their walk with God. And the person was looking at me, so my immediate reaction was what did you see?! I was offended, I was fearful. I was shocked because it was unexpected, and I just felt so embarrassed and vulnerable. And I had the question of why some people just seemed to be gifted with the more supernatural gifts.
But then he/she apologized because she probably shouldn't of said that. But then she explained that it helps her know how to pray for specific people. And then I was like whoa, if I had that gift, now... what would I think? I would be like judging and pointing fingers and all sort of condescending things. Then I realized, that if I was able to do that, or any other spiritual gift to prove a point, I wouldn't be using them correctly because I didn't understand God's heart. When I know how he thinks, when I love like he loves.
So ultimately it's all about God. It should be all about him... from the start. And looking back, if I only kept my focus on him; my struggle with the church, what I was looking for, my concern for what people thought about me wouldn't of existed! It was because I was so focused on me. I was so prideful. Prideful in looking for what I wanted, what feeds me. And I can go on and on about how I was missing the whole point. Now I know that I shouldn't even be thinking about all these things. And so whether or not the gifts of the Holy Spirit are for today, and whatever people thing about this and that... I figured that I can't go wrong if I just pursued God and Him alone.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Relationships
"Love will never manipulate or try to control out of insecurity, because love casts out all fear. The very place where relationships can be the most corrupted is also where they can be the most fulfilling, after redemption has worked in them. True love is a taste of heaven, and lust is the enemy's ultimate perversion of the glory of heaven. To the degree that you are free of lust on earth, you will begin to experience heaven.
Yes. As your mind is renewed by the Spirit of truth, you will not see relationships as opportunities to take from others, but to give. Giving provides the greatest fulfillment that we can ever know. The most wonderful human relationships are but fleeting glimpses of the ecstasy that comes when we give ourselves to the Lord in pure worship. What we experience in worship here your frail, unglorified body could not endure. The true worship of God will purify the soul for the glory of true relationships.
Therefore, you must not seek relationships, but true worship. Only then can relationships start to be what they are supposed to be. True love never seeks to be first, or to be in control, but rather it takes the place of humble service. If my husband and I had kept this in our marriage, we would be sitting next to the King now, and this great hall would be filled with many more souls."
Rick Joyner, The Final Quest
The world really does convey such a twisted definition of love. Seeking true worship rather than relationships. That's definitely something to think about.
Yes. As your mind is renewed by the Spirit of truth, you will not see relationships as opportunities to take from others, but to give. Giving provides the greatest fulfillment that we can ever know. The most wonderful human relationships are but fleeting glimpses of the ecstasy that comes when we give ourselves to the Lord in pure worship. What we experience in worship here your frail, unglorified body could not endure. The true worship of God will purify the soul for the glory of true relationships.
Therefore, you must not seek relationships, but true worship. Only then can relationships start to be what they are supposed to be. True love never seeks to be first, or to be in control, but rather it takes the place of humble service. If my husband and I had kept this in our marriage, we would be sitting next to the King now, and this great hall would be filled with many more souls."
Rick Joyner, The Final Quest
The world really does convey such a twisted definition of love. Seeking true worship rather than relationships. That's definitely something to think about.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
So Thankful that our God is Unchanging
Our God is so great, yet he never changes. And I am so thankful for that. While there are days where I really just wanna dwell in my shame or guilt, or when there are times where I just wanna give up and let go... While I'm always so spontaneous and moody, God never ever changes. He's always there waiting for me, waiting for me to give up on trying to get a grip on myself and just surrender myself to Him. It was such a good reminder both tonight and Sunday morning, and even every morning as my alarm goes off (Never Change - AMP) that it doesn't matter if I feel like worshiping. It doesn't matter if feel horrible or guilty, or just so wretched and filled with my dirty sin. When I worship, it's about Him, it's not about me!
I think I'm finally starting to understand. I think once I get out of the whole "me" idea... and be more focused on him, all my unsatisfactory and critical thoughts won't be there anymore.
"All I wanted to do was stay in this place and listen to Him. I remembered how I had once thought it must be boring for those angels who do nothing but worship Him continually before the throne. Now I knew that there was nothing more wonderful or exhilarating that we would ever do than to simply worship Him.
Such worship was what we were created for, and it would surely be the best part of heaven. I could not imagine how wonderful it would be if all the heavenly choirs were added. It was hard to believe that I had struggled so much with boredom during worship services. I knew that it was only because I had been almost completely out of touch with this heavenly reality during those times.
I was almost overwhelmed with the desire to go back and make up those times during worship services when I had allowed my mind to wander or had occupied myself with other things. The desire to express my adoration for Him became almost insatiable. I had to praise Him! As I opened my moth, I was shocked by the spontaneous worship that erupted from the entire army at the same time. I had almost forgotten that anyone else was there, yet we were all in perfect unity. The glorious worship that followed could not be described in the human language."
The Final Quest, Rick Joyner
I think I'm finally starting to understand. I think once I get out of the whole "me" idea... and be more focused on him, all my unsatisfactory and critical thoughts won't be there anymore.
"All I wanted to do was stay in this place and listen to Him. I remembered how I had once thought it must be boring for those angels who do nothing but worship Him continually before the throne. Now I knew that there was nothing more wonderful or exhilarating that we would ever do than to simply worship Him.
Such worship was what we were created for, and it would surely be the best part of heaven. I could not imagine how wonderful it would be if all the heavenly choirs were added. It was hard to believe that I had struggled so much with boredom during worship services. I knew that it was only because I had been almost completely out of touch with this heavenly reality during those times.
I was almost overwhelmed with the desire to go back and make up those times during worship services when I had allowed my mind to wander or had occupied myself with other things. The desire to express my adoration for Him became almost insatiable. I had to praise Him! As I opened my moth, I was shocked by the spontaneous worship that erupted from the entire army at the same time. I had almost forgotten that anyone else was there, yet we were all in perfect unity. The glorious worship that followed could not be described in the human language."
The Final Quest, Rick Joyner
Monday, September 12, 2011
Cry Out America!
This evening, after I left Ignite service, I went to Korean Emmanuel Presbyterian Church for Cry Out America! It was a prayer gathering for everyone in the Santa Clara County to intercede for our country, to repent of our sins, and pray for revival. The majority of the people there were older than me, and I debated whether I should leave in the first five minutes after understanding how the service was going to be run. It felt weird, being among about a thousand people, most of them my parents age, of many different nationalities. But at the same time, it was so amazing. Praying with Iranian Christians, praying with people that had different prayer traditions than I did. It was especially funny when the Korean pastor said, "This is how the Koreans cry out to God, we say zhu-a three times." Then the next reverend that went up was like, "You guys know that zhu-a means the same thing in Chinese and Korean right?"
But anyways, it was good. I was debating on going when I saw the invite on Facebook for the Pneuma fellowship. I actually thought it was going to be composed with a lot more college/young adults. But anyways, I decided to go even though I had a packed Sunday. My usual church service at 1:30, and then a dance workshop held by GRX that started at 5:00 (usually started at 6:00 every week, but this week was special) I usually help out with to just have fun and support Eight Count. And I knew I was going to be fed and that I was going to need energy later in the day. But I finally decided that I was going to go in the River of Life parking lot.
So yeah, the prayer gathering was great. However, the one thing that stood out to me my whole 1 hour and 45 minutes there was the several minutes I paired up with someone closer to my age. Pretty much there were six mini-messages, and after each message, the congregation would spend around three minutes in prayer in response to each specific message. And for the third session, we were asked to break off into pairs with someone next to you. And there was a family together on my right, so naturally I paired up with a guy across the aisle, as there was no one next to him. We shook hands, and before we said anything, he said, "My English isn't very good, so lets pray in our own language." And I'm like, "Yeah that's cool, wait which language are you comfortable with?" He replied, "I'm Chinese." And when I'm like, oh, me too! His reaction shocked me. He was like in awe. He continued saying thank you Lord! in Chinese over and over again, just because I was Chinese. He was so thankful, just because I could understand what he was praying. The more I think about it, the more I admire his thankful heart. I mean, does it really matter if I understand what he is praying to our God? It really doesn't, but the sincerity of his gratitude to God really stood out to me. His English was actually really good, he understood everything I said, and he would shout Amen! throughout the times when I was praying.
It's the same with an adult I met through the only Roots meeting I've been a part of a couple of months ago. We ended up meeting up several times after conversing on Facebook, once over lunch, and once just to worship and jam together. But through out it all, the one thing that impressed me the most is his relationship with God. There's a very tangible sense of closeness, of intimacy. Whenever he prays, he refers to God as Papa. And regardless of how normal or how strange that is to you, it shook me. Think about an adult (at least maybe 10 years older than the rest of us), in the midst of around eight college students or recent graduates, and calling God, Papa. It really reveals how he views God. I've met some other friends, particularly one older than me by several years refer to God as Dad. And all I can think is that these guys have it right. They understand. Growing up, I've always thought of God as someone so much greater, so much higher, so awesome that when I approach him, I should approach him in fear. That's not bad, but I think before I always imagined God to be much more of a fearful than loving God. And I'm learning to recognize that God isn't only a God that is just, and someone whom I should worship because he's so much more magnificent than I am. But that he's a God of love, and he pursue's me, and he wants an intimate relationship with me. And for me, that really changes everything. It changed the way I pray, it changed the way I worshiped. And I think most importantly, it changed my attitude.
Man, looking back through this summer's fleeing days, I realized that God has really revealed himself to me in many ways. However, I think the most important lessons came from very simple, seemingly subtle, trivial things. Usually it's noticing someone's actions that point to their relationship with Jesus, which makes me think - shaping the way I view Jesus, breaking my misconceptions. And that really just testifies of how Awesome our God is.
But anyways, it was good. I was debating on going when I saw the invite on Facebook for the Pneuma fellowship. I actually thought it was going to be composed with a lot more college/young adults. But anyways, I decided to go even though I had a packed Sunday. My usual church service at 1:30, and then a dance workshop held by GRX that started at 5:00 (usually started at 6:00 every week, but this week was special) I usually help out with to just have fun and support Eight Count. And I knew I was going to be fed and that I was going to need energy later in the day. But I finally decided that I was going to go in the River of Life parking lot.
So yeah, the prayer gathering was great. However, the one thing that stood out to me my whole 1 hour and 45 minutes there was the several minutes I paired up with someone closer to my age. Pretty much there were six mini-messages, and after each message, the congregation would spend around three minutes in prayer in response to each specific message. And for the third session, we were asked to break off into pairs with someone next to you. And there was a family together on my right, so naturally I paired up with a guy across the aisle, as there was no one next to him. We shook hands, and before we said anything, he said, "My English isn't very good, so lets pray in our own language." And I'm like, "Yeah that's cool, wait which language are you comfortable with?" He replied, "I'm Chinese." And when I'm like, oh, me too! His reaction shocked me. He was like in awe. He continued saying thank you Lord! in Chinese over and over again, just because I was Chinese. He was so thankful, just because I could understand what he was praying. The more I think about it, the more I admire his thankful heart. I mean, does it really matter if I understand what he is praying to our God? It really doesn't, but the sincerity of his gratitude to God really stood out to me. His English was actually really good, he understood everything I said, and he would shout Amen! throughout the times when I was praying.
It's the same with an adult I met through the only Roots meeting I've been a part of a couple of months ago. We ended up meeting up several times after conversing on Facebook, once over lunch, and once just to worship and jam together. But through out it all, the one thing that impressed me the most is his relationship with God. There's a very tangible sense of closeness, of intimacy. Whenever he prays, he refers to God as Papa. And regardless of how normal or how strange that is to you, it shook me. Think about an adult (at least maybe 10 years older than the rest of us), in the midst of around eight college students or recent graduates, and calling God, Papa. It really reveals how he views God. I've met some other friends, particularly one older than me by several years refer to God as Dad. And all I can think is that these guys have it right. They understand. Growing up, I've always thought of God as someone so much greater, so much higher, so awesome that when I approach him, I should approach him in fear. That's not bad, but I think before I always imagined God to be much more of a fearful than loving God. And I'm learning to recognize that God isn't only a God that is just, and someone whom I should worship because he's so much more magnificent than I am. But that he's a God of love, and he pursue's me, and he wants an intimate relationship with me. And for me, that really changes everything. It changed the way I pray, it changed the way I worshiped. And I think most importantly, it changed my attitude.
Man, looking back through this summer's fleeing days, I realized that God has really revealed himself to me in many ways. However, I think the most important lessons came from very simple, seemingly subtle, trivial things. Usually it's noticing someone's actions that point to their relationship with Jesus, which makes me think - shaping the way I view Jesus, breaking my misconceptions. And that really just testifies of how Awesome our God is.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The Final Quest
So along with the textbooks I ordered, I also decided to add The Vision, by Rick Joyner. My friend let me borrow The Final Quest, and The Vision is the two-in-one version which has both The Final Quest, and the sequel The Call. Instead of starting directly from The Call, where the trance would continue, I decided that I should re-read The Final Quest, as I knew that I would have to re-read it again because it's so complex and there is no way that me reading it through once for the sake of just completing the book would suffice. And as I'm reading it through the second time, I'm trying to read it with a more application mindset.
"Those who had not been wounded soon gave up trying to fight off the cultures and began running from the scene of battle. This first encounter with the enemy was so devastating that I was tempted to join in their flight. Then, incredibly fast, some of those who had fled began reappearing with full suits of armor on, holding large shields. This was the first bit of encouragement that I remember seeing.
These warriors who were returning no longer had the mirth of the party, but an awesome resolve had now replaced it. I knew that although they had been deceived once, they would not be easily deceived again. They began to take the places of those who had fallen, and even began forming new ranks to protect the rear flanks."
I just realized that that's me. That's exactly how I feel. Through all these years I thought I knew it all. I thought I was a believer - which I was; but, there was so much more that I didn't get. I was deceived in that I had "accepted" Christ, but I really didn't "crave any further revelation of God to our souls." as Tozer describes.
Being the guy that finds it really difficult to explain how I feel... yesterday I read chapter one of Tozer's The Pursuit of God. He sums up how I feel quite comprehensively:
"In the midst of this great chill there are some, I rejoice to acknowledge, who will not be content with shallow logic. They will admit the force of the argument, and then turn away with tears to hunt some lonely place and pray, to couch with their hearts, to see with their inner eyes, the wonder that is God."
Skipping a paragraph, he continues: "Every age has its own characteristics. Right now we are in an age of religious complexity. The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations, and a world of nervous activities which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart. The shallowness of our inner experience, the hollowness of our worship, and that servile imitation of the world which marks our promotional methods all testify that we, in this day, know God only imperfectly, and the peace of God scarcely at all."
Tozer, The Pursuit of God
When I read through this whole first chapter, I was shaken by every page. Every page seemingly described my every thought and feeling exactly, and even more so. I feel that while I was a believer growing up, I never had that want to seek after God. I never craved him, never pursued him. I never sought to worship him and to see his face. And until four or five months ago, that's how I lived. I knew a little about him, read his word every day, went to church, and I was satisfied. I'm not saying it felt right, but I was satisfied and content with what I was getting. But when I finally experienced him, however you want to describe that. Meeting the Holy Spirit, experiencing the Holy Spirit, felt the presence of God, I was touched. It all changed. In that one second, what was seemingly so ethereal, so distant, so unreal was all of a sudden so real, so tangible. And that made me want more. It made me realize that there was so much more than what I was doing. I felt empty, knowing that I was complacent and content with singing worship songs every Sunday morning, and listening and trying to apply what was said during the sermon after. Knowing that I spent time every day reading and in prayer, just hoping God would answer them. And of course, some of my prayers were answered, before I even understood what it all meant. And because of that I feel that I had developed a strong faith in God, even though I couldn't see him, and didn't know him personally. I knew that he cared for me when he showed me that he was greater than me. That he would take care of me and that he loves me and my family. When he cured my father from cancer, and when he provided for us when my dad had to take a medical leave. And while I was so bitter at myself, at my home church that I had attended all my life because they never seemingly showed me how real God was; I've come to and understanding that if I didn't go through all that, I probably would still be in the dark now. I needed to experience God's goodness, grace, provision - I needed to experience his love for me first.
And while I have previously accused most of my old understanding of God because of my Asian conservative church, I find that to be completely false. I don't think that would be an accurate nor just accusation. This has nothing to do with me leaning towards any denomination of Christianity or anything of that sort. I wouldn't categorize myself, partly because I don't really have a good grasp of what all the denominations mean in the first place, and I won't until then. But even then, I'm just a man radically pursuing God to the fullest of my ability.
"Those who had not been wounded soon gave up trying to fight off the cultures and began running from the scene of battle. This first encounter with the enemy was so devastating that I was tempted to join in their flight. Then, incredibly fast, some of those who had fled began reappearing with full suits of armor on, holding large shields. This was the first bit of encouragement that I remember seeing.
These warriors who were returning no longer had the mirth of the party, but an awesome resolve had now replaced it. I knew that although they had been deceived once, they would not be easily deceived again. They began to take the places of those who had fallen, and even began forming new ranks to protect the rear flanks."
I just realized that that's me. That's exactly how I feel. Through all these years I thought I knew it all. I thought I was a believer - which I was; but, there was so much more that I didn't get. I was deceived in that I had "accepted" Christ, but I really didn't "crave any further revelation of God to our souls." as Tozer describes.
Being the guy that finds it really difficult to explain how I feel... yesterday I read chapter one of Tozer's The Pursuit of God. He sums up how I feel quite comprehensively:
"In the midst of this great chill there are some, I rejoice to acknowledge, who will not be content with shallow logic. They will admit the force of the argument, and then turn away with tears to hunt some lonely place and pray, to couch with their hearts, to see with their inner eyes, the wonder that is God."
Skipping a paragraph, he continues: "Every age has its own characteristics. Right now we are in an age of religious complexity. The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations, and a world of nervous activities which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart. The shallowness of our inner experience, the hollowness of our worship, and that servile imitation of the world which marks our promotional methods all testify that we, in this day, know God only imperfectly, and the peace of God scarcely at all."
Tozer, The Pursuit of God
When I read through this whole first chapter, I was shaken by every page. Every page seemingly described my every thought and feeling exactly, and even more so. I feel that while I was a believer growing up, I never had that want to seek after God. I never craved him, never pursued him. I never sought to worship him and to see his face. And until four or five months ago, that's how I lived. I knew a little about him, read his word every day, went to church, and I was satisfied. I'm not saying it felt right, but I was satisfied and content with what I was getting. But when I finally experienced him, however you want to describe that. Meeting the Holy Spirit, experiencing the Holy Spirit, felt the presence of God, I was touched. It all changed. In that one second, what was seemingly so ethereal, so distant, so unreal was all of a sudden so real, so tangible. And that made me want more. It made me realize that there was so much more than what I was doing. I felt empty, knowing that I was complacent and content with singing worship songs every Sunday morning, and listening and trying to apply what was said during the sermon after. Knowing that I spent time every day reading and in prayer, just hoping God would answer them. And of course, some of my prayers were answered, before I even understood what it all meant. And because of that I feel that I had developed a strong faith in God, even though I couldn't see him, and didn't know him personally. I knew that he cared for me when he showed me that he was greater than me. That he would take care of me and that he loves me and my family. When he cured my father from cancer, and when he provided for us when my dad had to take a medical leave. And while I was so bitter at myself, at my home church that I had attended all my life because they never seemingly showed me how real God was; I've come to and understanding that if I didn't go through all that, I probably would still be in the dark now. I needed to experience God's goodness, grace, provision - I needed to experience his love for me first.
And while I have previously accused most of my old understanding of God because of my Asian conservative church, I find that to be completely false. I don't think that would be an accurate nor just accusation. This has nothing to do with me leaning towards any denomination of Christianity or anything of that sort. I wouldn't categorize myself, partly because I don't really have a good grasp of what all the denominations mean in the first place, and I won't until then. But even then, I'm just a man radically pursuing God to the fullest of my ability.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Always Enough
I began to exercise faith, and my mistakes were mixed in with beautiful victories. Faith involves knowing God well enough to know what He wants, and that requires grace, revelation and experience as well as knowledge of His Word. But I was excited and there was no going back. I was not concerned so much about what job I had as whether I had enough time to pray and seek Him. I had to live by faith. I could not disconnect from Him for anything. All I wanted was to love Him and feel His love. He could do with me what He pleased and send me anywhere.
Until I met Heidi, I had no close ministry partner with whom I could share a daring faith. I participated in the Jesus Movement of the 1970s in California and was deeply involved in large churches. But eventually I lost interest in big gatherings, huge concerts and constant socializing. I was willing to go to the smallest, most obscure meetings, if only the Holy Spirit would show up and touch me in increasingly powerful ways. I began to attend Dana Point Community Chapel, a church of two hundred near the beach in southern California. I was attracted by the glory of the Holy Spirit's work there.
Let Him love you. It's so much simpler than we thought. It's time to be transformed by His love so that there is no fear in you. Be wrecked for everything but His presence. Be so utterly abandoned in His Love.
It's time to lie down and let God be God. He is might, and nothing is impossible with Him. He wants to kiss His Church and transform you with his love.
We are called to be carriers of His glory. It's not about standing up and being an eloquent speaker. It's about being so close to the heart of God that you know what He's thinking. then you're not afraid to go anywhere and say anything. The Lord Himself will do anything for radical lovers. He captivates us so that we can never go back. He wants to shatter your box. Often your God is still too small. It's His time for whole nations.
Rolland and Heidi Baker, Always Enough
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