I know that there are many books out there that reference this issue:
Crazy Love by Francis Chan, Radical and Radical Together by David Platt, The Blueprint by Jaeson Ma, just to name a few.
And as I started looking into these books, cautiously I might add, I couldn't help but ask... This isn't for me is it? I've heard everyone talking about these books, Crazy Love especially, at church, at fellowship, at conferences and revivals. And I loved just how real these books were. They were so convicting, yet encouraging. The question that screamed out from me was how much is enough? How much do I have to do in order to not be one of these lukewarm Christians?
Wait just kidding. My first thought was definitely there's no way I'm one of them. No freaking way. I've gone to church since I was 5. These thoughts just filled my head and overwhelmed me. I definitely pray more than him or her. I read the Bible every night, or almost every night at least. As a student, I thought that I couldn't afford to spend any more time than I already was with God. Those few meager minutes before every meal and maybe five or ten minutes before I head to bed every night add up, especially when adding the couple of minutes I spend reading the assigned quiet time versus.
But over and over again, as I tried to press in, as I tried to grow deeper in intimacy with our Lord, I just couldn't. As I reluctantly read versus and prayed every night, I just couldn't feel anything else than miserable. It felt so fake and artificial. It was as if my prayers and my time with God were just tokens to make me feel good about spending time with Him. And that's what made me realize that there really is nothing different than me and a lukewarm Christian. My heart yearned for something deeper, something real. Because if this was really all that it's about... it's all a bunch of crap. Church just felt like a place to hang out, nothing more. Worship felt dead, draining even. I knew that something was very wrong. If I couldn't even worship God within the walls of a church, I either had a terribly wrong mentality or...
Thankfully, things are different now. I can't believe that it was just last year... I was quite lost. But still whenever I ask myself if I'm a lukewarm question, I start doubting. I often find myself asking how much is enough.
And as the previous year came to a close, God gave me the opportunity to drive to Kansas City with a group of friends for IHOP's Onething 2011. And I knew that God was going to speak to me there. There are just certain times that I know that I'm going to get an encounter with God, and this was definitely one of them. I was so sure that I was afraid that I would see God in a completely different light, and that it would change everything. Again...
Just the lifestyle there completely changed my perspective. It looked something like this. Wake up at 7:30, wash up, eat breakfast, be out by 8:20 and arrive by 9:00. From there... three different sessions with 2 hour breaks in between for lunch and dinner. Each session generally composed of an hour of worship and two sermons or testimonies/exhortations. And then more worship.
And I think most people would think that's crazy. And I thought so too. But at the same time it was glorious! I was in the middle of 25,000 other people, most of them between the age of 18-25, all giving our all for God. I could feel the hunger. I couldn't help but feel excited when I saw people that were marked and chosen for worship, for intercession, or for missions. I found myself actually looking forward to the next worship session. I was surprised that I didn't get 'tired' of it.
On the third night, during dinner break, I didn't feel like going out with the group for dinner, and I went to the prayer room for the first time at my stay there. I walked in, found a seat, and just soaked it in for ten minutes. I just remember thinking to myself this feels so right. I felt so in place. Finally, I put my head down, I wanted to encounter God, personally. Just several seconds after I put my head down, the worship team started to play the song Set a Fire, and I just started weeping. For the past couple months, I would always play that song whenever I spent time before God. I prayed for God to give me that desire to spend time before Him, to soak in His presence. So when that song was played, I just couldn't help but take it as a sign from God. I've come to agreement with myself that even though I wasn't sure what went on in that hour and a half (it felt like 20 minutes), God was showing me that it's what I was created to do. I was made to spend my life in His manifest presence.
And right after my time in the prayer room, Misty Edwards spoke on how our only response to knowing God's love is 24/7 worship and prayer. Two days before, Corey Russell explained that many Christians are worried about being too radical or over-religious. And he was like, we haven't even gotten close! And that was so convicting. I remember thinking just a week before the conferernce that it's tough to set aside an hour just to spend before God everyday, and whenever I actually did, I felt pretty darn religious. But then I realized that even when I'm out of my secret place, I'm supposed to have that same connection, that same focus. My perspective was so skewed. It was so humbling. Over the four days, I heard testimony after testimony of how people would hear God asking them to give X amount of time with Him. And every single time, X minutes our hours grew and multiplied within as short as a week, just because Jesus is worth more than a tenth of our day. And all I could do was long for that relationship, thinking of how things are going to be so different after I get home.
And so this year, I'm determined to grow even closer in my relationship with my Father. I want to be able to hear Him crystal clear even in my bleh seasons. I want to be "painfully" aware of how much He loves me.
Jesus, I want You to be my only satisfaction.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Answers
For the past several months, I've been asked a lot of questions. Questions that I didn't have good answers at first thought. Questions on why I loved my fellowship so much. Questions on why I felt so blessed in the new community that God has given me. And I struggled to answer these questions because there was just so much. In the span of about 2-3 months, the people I knew and were good friends with shifted, starting last June...
I think it began when I felt God telling me to move on. Last summer, after a Turkey missions trip I went on a with a high school and college performing arts evangelism group, I felt like it was time to move on. For the last couple of years, I've invested a lot of my time in high schoolers along with several other college and graduate students. And after the season finally ended during the completion of the missions trip, I was pretty relieved that it was finally over. I was excited to start a new part of my life. I missed being with people that I could relate to. At the same time, the current fellowship I was attending was much more of a young adult group. I have faithfully attended when I could, even though the majority of the fellowship was already working. I didn't find much of a community there.
A prayer group that miraculously started over the beginning of summer started to get me thinking. It was unique because it was a group of friends that I didn't know particularly well at all. Most of them I didn't know prior. But I feel this was the beginning of me coming to a realization that there was so much more. That more than just reading a chapter or two in my Bible each night. Praying before meals and through out the day, God wants to have an intimate relationship with me. And that there is power every time I bow my head bend my knees in worship and prayer before God - that the all-powerful, living God is listening to little me.
And when you come to this revelation, the Sunday-morning-church perspective just doesn't work anymore. There is a hunger for so much more. A craving to worship, to pray, for His word. The so called "radical" Christianity isn't so much radical anymore. The need for spirit-filled heartfelt worship, either alone or as a group is so much more than just those 30 minutes at church, but rather a lifestyle. Even the disciplines that I once thought were overly religious or for only hardcore Christians didn't seem so hardcore anymore. Fasting for example be one. While I've fasted for homework assignments or for special circumstances before - God has always come through and did work in my heart. I can only imagine what it would be like if fasting was something done regular to consecrate ourselves as living sacrifices to God. And this revelation was emphasized at Onething when Misty Edwards said that the only response to knowing God's love is 24/7 worship and prayer.
And I'm mentioning all of this because it's how I've changed from being a part of a new community. It's so much easier when there's a same hunger for Jesus, that same passion. When everyone is excited for the next prayer gathering, when regular hangouts turn into worship sessions. When Jesus and what He's done in our lives the topic of every conversation. It's so much easier to consecrate our lives when we know there are brothers and sisters right along you, going through that same struggle. When brothers and sisters text and message you consistently to ask and give prayer or to pray through webcam. When you know that there are people interceding for each other. I can go on and on - but the main thing is, I see how their love and hunger for Jesus has changed them, and I can't help but want the same thing. These brothers and sisters are so exhorting and edifying. I'm so blessed.
I think it began when I felt God telling me to move on. Last summer, after a Turkey missions trip I went on a with a high school and college performing arts evangelism group, I felt like it was time to move on. For the last couple of years, I've invested a lot of my time in high schoolers along with several other college and graduate students. And after the season finally ended during the completion of the missions trip, I was pretty relieved that it was finally over. I was excited to start a new part of my life. I missed being with people that I could relate to. At the same time, the current fellowship I was attending was much more of a young adult group. I have faithfully attended when I could, even though the majority of the fellowship was already working. I didn't find much of a community there.
A prayer group that miraculously started over the beginning of summer started to get me thinking. It was unique because it was a group of friends that I didn't know particularly well at all. Most of them I didn't know prior. But I feel this was the beginning of me coming to a realization that there was so much more. That more than just reading a chapter or two in my Bible each night. Praying before meals and through out the day, God wants to have an intimate relationship with me. And that there is power every time I bow my head bend my knees in worship and prayer before God - that the all-powerful, living God is listening to little me.
And when you come to this revelation, the Sunday-morning-church perspective just doesn't work anymore. There is a hunger for so much more. A craving to worship, to pray, for His word. The so called "radical" Christianity isn't so much radical anymore. The need for spirit-filled heartfelt worship, either alone or as a group is so much more than just those 30 minutes at church, but rather a lifestyle. Even the disciplines that I once thought were overly religious or for only hardcore Christians didn't seem so hardcore anymore. Fasting for example be one. While I've fasted for homework assignments or for special circumstances before - God has always come through and did work in my heart. I can only imagine what it would be like if fasting was something done regular to consecrate ourselves as living sacrifices to God. And this revelation was emphasized at Onething when Misty Edwards said that the only response to knowing God's love is 24/7 worship and prayer.
And I'm mentioning all of this because it's how I've changed from being a part of a new community. It's so much easier when there's a same hunger for Jesus, that same passion. When everyone is excited for the next prayer gathering, when regular hangouts turn into worship sessions. When Jesus and what He's done in our lives the topic of every conversation. It's so much easier to consecrate our lives when we know there are brothers and sisters right along you, going through that same struggle. When brothers and sisters text and message you consistently to ask and give prayer or to pray through webcam. When you know that there are people interceding for each other. I can go on and on - but the main thing is, I see how their love and hunger for Jesus has changed them, and I can't help but want the same thing. These brothers and sisters are so exhorting and edifying. I'm so blessed.
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