I know that there are many books out there that reference this issue:
Crazy Love by Francis Chan, Radical and Radical Together by David Platt, The Blueprint by Jaeson Ma, just to name a few.
And as I started looking into these books, cautiously I might add, I couldn't help but ask... This isn't for me is it? I've heard everyone talking about these books, Crazy Love especially, at church, at fellowship, at conferences and revivals. And I loved just how real these books were. They were so convicting, yet encouraging. The question that screamed out from me was how much is enough? How much do I have to do in order to not be one of these lukewarm Christians?
Wait just kidding. My first thought was definitely there's no way I'm one of them. No freaking way. I've gone to church since I was 5. These thoughts just filled my head and overwhelmed me. I definitely pray more than him or her. I read the Bible every night, or almost every night at least. As a student, I thought that I couldn't afford to spend any more time than I already was with God. Those few meager minutes before every meal and maybe five or ten minutes before I head to bed every night add up, especially when adding the couple of minutes I spend reading the assigned quiet time versus.
But over and over again, as I tried to press in, as I tried to grow deeper in intimacy with our Lord, I just couldn't. As I reluctantly read versus and prayed every night, I just couldn't feel anything else than miserable. It felt so fake and artificial. It was as if my prayers and my time with God were just tokens to make me feel good about spending time with Him. And that's what made me realize that there really is nothing different than me and a lukewarm Christian. My heart yearned for something deeper, something real. Because if this was really all that it's about... it's all a bunch of crap. Church just felt like a place to hang out, nothing more. Worship felt dead, draining even. I knew that something was very wrong. If I couldn't even worship God within the walls of a church, I either had a terribly wrong mentality or...
Thankfully, things are different now. I can't believe that it was just last year... I was quite lost. But still whenever I ask myself if I'm a lukewarm question, I start doubting. I often find myself asking how much is enough.
And as the previous year came to a close, God gave me the opportunity to drive to Kansas City with a group of friends for IHOP's Onething 2011. And I knew that God was going to speak to me there. There are just certain times that I know that I'm going to get an encounter with God, and this was definitely one of them. I was so sure that I was afraid that I would see God in a completely different light, and that it would change everything. Again...
Just the lifestyle there completely changed my perspective. It looked something like this. Wake up at 7:30, wash up, eat breakfast, be out by 8:20 and arrive by 9:00. From there... three different sessions with 2 hour breaks in between for lunch and dinner. Each session generally composed of an hour of worship and two sermons or testimonies/exhortations. And then more worship.
And I think most people would think that's crazy. And I thought so too. But at the same time it was glorious! I was in the middle of 25,000 other people, most of them between the age of 18-25, all giving our all for God. I could feel the hunger. I couldn't help but feel excited when I saw people that were marked and chosen for worship, for intercession, or for missions. I found myself actually looking forward to the next worship session. I was surprised that I didn't get 'tired' of it.
On the third night, during dinner break, I didn't feel like going out with the group for dinner, and I went to the prayer room for the first time at my stay there. I walked in, found a seat, and just soaked it in for ten minutes. I just remember thinking to myself this feels so right. I felt so in place. Finally, I put my head down, I wanted to encounter God, personally. Just several seconds after I put my head down, the worship team started to play the song Set a Fire, and I just started weeping. For the past couple months, I would always play that song whenever I spent time before God. I prayed for God to give me that desire to spend time before Him, to soak in His presence. So when that song was played, I just couldn't help but take it as a sign from God. I've come to agreement with myself that even though I wasn't sure what went on in that hour and a half (it felt like 20 minutes), God was showing me that it's what I was created to do. I was made to spend my life in His manifest presence.
And right after my time in the prayer room, Misty Edwards spoke on how our only response to knowing God's love is 24/7 worship and prayer. Two days before, Corey Russell explained that many Christians are worried about being too radical or over-religious. And he was like, we haven't even gotten close! And that was so convicting. I remember thinking just a week before the conferernce that it's tough to set aside an hour just to spend before God everyday, and whenever I actually did, I felt pretty darn religious. But then I realized that even when I'm out of my secret place, I'm supposed to have that same connection, that same focus. My perspective was so skewed. It was so humbling. Over the four days, I heard testimony after testimony of how people would hear God asking them to give X amount of time with Him. And every single time, X minutes our hours grew and multiplied within as short as a week, just because Jesus is worth more than a tenth of our day. And all I could do was long for that relationship, thinking of how things are going to be so different after I get home.
And so this year, I'm determined to grow even closer in my relationship with my Father. I want to be able to hear Him crystal clear even in my bleh seasons. I want to be "painfully" aware of how much He loves me.
Jesus, I want You to be my only satisfaction.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Answers
For the past several months, I've been asked a lot of questions. Questions that I didn't have good answers at first thought. Questions on why I loved my fellowship so much. Questions on why I felt so blessed in the new community that God has given me. And I struggled to answer these questions because there was just so much. In the span of about 2-3 months, the people I knew and were good friends with shifted, starting last June...
I think it began when I felt God telling me to move on. Last summer, after a Turkey missions trip I went on a with a high school and college performing arts evangelism group, I felt like it was time to move on. For the last couple of years, I've invested a lot of my time in high schoolers along with several other college and graduate students. And after the season finally ended during the completion of the missions trip, I was pretty relieved that it was finally over. I was excited to start a new part of my life. I missed being with people that I could relate to. At the same time, the current fellowship I was attending was much more of a young adult group. I have faithfully attended when I could, even though the majority of the fellowship was already working. I didn't find much of a community there.
A prayer group that miraculously started over the beginning of summer started to get me thinking. It was unique because it was a group of friends that I didn't know particularly well at all. Most of them I didn't know prior. But I feel this was the beginning of me coming to a realization that there was so much more. That more than just reading a chapter or two in my Bible each night. Praying before meals and through out the day, God wants to have an intimate relationship with me. And that there is power every time I bow my head bend my knees in worship and prayer before God - that the all-powerful, living God is listening to little me.
And when you come to this revelation, the Sunday-morning-church perspective just doesn't work anymore. There is a hunger for so much more. A craving to worship, to pray, for His word. The so called "radical" Christianity isn't so much radical anymore. The need for spirit-filled heartfelt worship, either alone or as a group is so much more than just those 30 minutes at church, but rather a lifestyle. Even the disciplines that I once thought were overly religious or for only hardcore Christians didn't seem so hardcore anymore. Fasting for example be one. While I've fasted for homework assignments or for special circumstances before - God has always come through and did work in my heart. I can only imagine what it would be like if fasting was something done regular to consecrate ourselves as living sacrifices to God. And this revelation was emphasized at Onething when Misty Edwards said that the only response to knowing God's love is 24/7 worship and prayer.
And I'm mentioning all of this because it's how I've changed from being a part of a new community. It's so much easier when there's a same hunger for Jesus, that same passion. When everyone is excited for the next prayer gathering, when regular hangouts turn into worship sessions. When Jesus and what He's done in our lives the topic of every conversation. It's so much easier to consecrate our lives when we know there are brothers and sisters right along you, going through that same struggle. When brothers and sisters text and message you consistently to ask and give prayer or to pray through webcam. When you know that there are people interceding for each other. I can go on and on - but the main thing is, I see how their love and hunger for Jesus has changed them, and I can't help but want the same thing. These brothers and sisters are so exhorting and edifying. I'm so blessed.
I think it began when I felt God telling me to move on. Last summer, after a Turkey missions trip I went on a with a high school and college performing arts evangelism group, I felt like it was time to move on. For the last couple of years, I've invested a lot of my time in high schoolers along with several other college and graduate students. And after the season finally ended during the completion of the missions trip, I was pretty relieved that it was finally over. I was excited to start a new part of my life. I missed being with people that I could relate to. At the same time, the current fellowship I was attending was much more of a young adult group. I have faithfully attended when I could, even though the majority of the fellowship was already working. I didn't find much of a community there.
A prayer group that miraculously started over the beginning of summer started to get me thinking. It was unique because it was a group of friends that I didn't know particularly well at all. Most of them I didn't know prior. But I feel this was the beginning of me coming to a realization that there was so much more. That more than just reading a chapter or two in my Bible each night. Praying before meals and through out the day, God wants to have an intimate relationship with me. And that there is power every time I bow my head bend my knees in worship and prayer before God - that the all-powerful, living God is listening to little me.
And when you come to this revelation, the Sunday-morning-church perspective just doesn't work anymore. There is a hunger for so much more. A craving to worship, to pray, for His word. The so called "radical" Christianity isn't so much radical anymore. The need for spirit-filled heartfelt worship, either alone or as a group is so much more than just those 30 minutes at church, but rather a lifestyle. Even the disciplines that I once thought were overly religious or for only hardcore Christians didn't seem so hardcore anymore. Fasting for example be one. While I've fasted for homework assignments or for special circumstances before - God has always come through and did work in my heart. I can only imagine what it would be like if fasting was something done regular to consecrate ourselves as living sacrifices to God. And this revelation was emphasized at Onething when Misty Edwards said that the only response to knowing God's love is 24/7 worship and prayer.
And I'm mentioning all of this because it's how I've changed from being a part of a new community. It's so much easier when there's a same hunger for Jesus, that same passion. When everyone is excited for the next prayer gathering, when regular hangouts turn into worship sessions. When Jesus and what He's done in our lives the topic of every conversation. It's so much easier to consecrate our lives when we know there are brothers and sisters right along you, going through that same struggle. When brothers and sisters text and message you consistently to ask and give prayer or to pray through webcam. When you know that there are people interceding for each other. I can go on and on - but the main thing is, I see how their love and hunger for Jesus has changed them, and I can't help but want the same thing. These brothers and sisters are so exhorting and edifying. I'm so blessed.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
By Your Grace
Jesus, It's by Your grace that I can attend this conference. It's by Your grace that I have such amazing friends and a community that I couldn't ask for more. It's by Your grace that I am having the best winter break of my life, and that You have been continually filling me up. It's by your grace that I can experience Your love in such tangible ways. You love me so dearly. I can't wait to encounter You and to know you more.
Monday, December 5, 2011
And I'm in that place once again.
Or have I ever been in this place? I'm not sure. Or maybe I've just never realized what was going on.
One thing I've come to realize in the last several of days is that I've been blaming others when I feel like I'm not connected to God. When I want to worship but I can't, it's because the leader is playing in a key that I can't sing in, or just because I can't stand the style. Or maybe it's just because I don't know the song. When I'm trying to spend time with Jesus alone, but I just don't feel Him - it's got to be "this season" I'm going through. It's not my fault. At prayer meetings, I would come up with this most ridiculous excuses. I feel out of place because I'm the only guy here this week, and I'm the oldest. And along with that, realizing that I've been starting to depend on others to break through that initial veil for me so I could get that connection. I've been getting used to just being able to come into a place, and being able to worship, and give everything up to God. Once, in one of the smaller prayer groups, no one else wanted to lead worship, so I picked up the guitar, thinking why not? I played a couple of songs and put the guitar down, not knowing why it just felt forced and that it was different then when i played alone, or when I was just jamming. This time, the excuse was, I'm just not anointed in musical worship. And I actually didn't ever want to lead worship again. The more I think about it, the more I feel so ashamed and so embarrassed.
And I couldn't help but wonder what it was that took away those two months of just, pure, heartfelt worship away every Sunday at church, every night upstairs, every time I spent time with Him. From being able to experience a glorious experience every moment, to a sudden flatness. Where I learned to worship in faith. But even then, I always had a question of why God would take it away. I mean, it's not necessary, but I thought that it was a good thing. It gave me affirmation that God loved it when I came before Him. And then it clicked. Pride.
Two days ago, I picked up the book, The Pursuit of God, by A.W. Tozer. It was a book where I've read the first two chapters, amazed at how much I agreed with the book. Until the third chapter, Removing the Veil. The chapter first explains that "God wills that we should push on into His Presence and live our whole life there." And this book just hits the spot in explaining a lot of the questions I have in each different phase I'm in. I was always confused, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how I felt whenever the pastor or someone in a prayer gathering would mention that the presence of God is so heavy in the room. It was confusing to me because I had always though that God is present everywhere. But Tozer explains, "The omnipresence of the Lord is one thing, and is a solemn fact necessary to His perfection; the manifest Presence is another thing altogether, and from that Presence we have fled, like Adam, to hide among the tress of the garden, or like Peter to shrink away crying, "depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord." And then illustrating the difference by using the veil that separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the tabernacle. How when Jesus died on the cross for us, the veil was torn apart for "every worshiper in the world to come by the new and living way straight into the divine Presence."
So this is where I was really happy. I was like YES! So how do I understand this, and how do I return into His Presence? This is where I started to realize how much of a feeler I am, after meeting up with a friend I haven't seen in a couple of years just to catch up and share our struggles and how God was working in our lives. He mentioned something about how feelers are always moody because we live on how we feel. That doesn't mean feelers can't be stable, but it's just all about, how everything feels. The book then delves deeper in what this "veil" is all about:
And I immediately remember the first time I met up with my youth pastor for an evaluation back in high school. He sensed that I had a lot of pride. Pride in serving the church, and feelings of self-righteousness. And while it was hard to eat and admit it, I knew it was true. But yet, the thought never even crossed my mind before. I was always so insecure, that I thought that there was no way that pride would ever get a hold on me, but before I knew it, there it was.
And that's why I've been coming up with all these excuses. I was prideful. I was dealing with something that I didnt' even know I had. And I think some of this even goes back to why I was struggling with the church I left several months ago. The more I dwell upon it now, the more and more I realize how blind I am.
And so in this season of surrendering, I realized that God is cleansing me. God wants all of me, not just some of it. That God doesn't want to negotiate, God wants everything. I've gotten a word from someone that God held a torch, and stuck it into my stomach. And that he was burning away all the residue that wasn't of Him. And when I first got that word, I was like wow. And then began the process of God just opening my eyes to see all the compromise in my life.
And it's been hard, but it's been good. Yesterday, I knew that God was going to speak to me at church. And He did. Sometimes, I can get a sense of when things are changing because it just so happens that the songs I sing shift or cycle. And early morning on Saturday, I just kept on singing songs that led me to remind me that I'm His beloved. That he loves me. That I'm a lover of His Presence. And that should be the only basis on why I should seek after Him. And then Sunday morning, worship was composed of songs all pointing towards His love for us, but in a sense that there is no turning back, and that I am not going to hold anything back. That He wants everything, all of me. We asked God to set a fire in our hearts that we can't control or explain. And it was so funny because the whole time, I just felt a burning in my heart. No, it wasn't because I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, but because I knew that God was stirring in my heart, that he was working in me. But even through these times, when it's hard because it's never easy to be purged, God has been encouraging me. I feel like I have a better understand of God's love for me now, than even before God opened my eyes to all of the junk I have in me. God is good. All the time.
One thing I've come to realize in the last several of days is that I've been blaming others when I feel like I'm not connected to God. When I want to worship but I can't, it's because the leader is playing in a key that I can't sing in, or just because I can't stand the style. Or maybe it's just because I don't know the song. When I'm trying to spend time with Jesus alone, but I just don't feel Him - it's got to be "this season" I'm going through. It's not my fault. At prayer meetings, I would come up with this most ridiculous excuses. I feel out of place because I'm the only guy here this week, and I'm the oldest. And along with that, realizing that I've been starting to depend on others to break through that initial veil for me so I could get that connection. I've been getting used to just being able to come into a place, and being able to worship, and give everything up to God. Once, in one of the smaller prayer groups, no one else wanted to lead worship, so I picked up the guitar, thinking why not? I played a couple of songs and put the guitar down, not knowing why it just felt forced and that it was different then when i played alone, or when I was just jamming. This time, the excuse was, I'm just not anointed in musical worship. And I actually didn't ever want to lead worship again. The more I think about it, the more I feel so ashamed and so embarrassed.
And I couldn't help but wonder what it was that took away those two months of just, pure, heartfelt worship away every Sunday at church, every night upstairs, every time I spent time with Him. From being able to experience a glorious experience every moment, to a sudden flatness. Where I learned to worship in faith. But even then, I always had a question of why God would take it away. I mean, it's not necessary, but I thought that it was a good thing. It gave me affirmation that God loved it when I came before Him. And then it clicked. Pride.
Two days ago, I picked up the book, The Pursuit of God, by A.W. Tozer. It was a book where I've read the first two chapters, amazed at how much I agreed with the book. Until the third chapter, Removing the Veil. The chapter first explains that "God wills that we should push on into His Presence and live our whole life there." And this book just hits the spot in explaining a lot of the questions I have in each different phase I'm in. I was always confused, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how I felt whenever the pastor or someone in a prayer gathering would mention that the presence of God is so heavy in the room. It was confusing to me because I had always though that God is present everywhere. But Tozer explains, "The omnipresence of the Lord is one thing, and is a solemn fact necessary to His perfection; the manifest Presence is another thing altogether, and from that Presence we have fled, like Adam, to hide among the tress of the garden, or like Peter to shrink away crying, "depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord." And then illustrating the difference by using the veil that separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the tabernacle. How when Jesus died on the cross for us, the veil was torn apart for "every worshiper in the world to come by the new and living way straight into the divine Presence."
So this is where I was really happy. I was like YES! So how do I understand this, and how do I return into His Presence? This is where I started to realize how much of a feeler I am, after meeting up with a friend I haven't seen in a couple of years just to catch up and share our struggles and how God was working in our lives. He mentioned something about how feelers are always moody because we live on how we feel. That doesn't mean feelers can't be stable, but it's just all about, how everything feels. The book then delves deeper in what this "veil" is all about:
"We have but to look in our own hearts and we shall see it there, sewn and patched and repaired it may be, but there nevertheless, an enemy to our lives and an effective block to our spiritual progress."
"This veil is not a beautiful thing and it is not a thing about which we commonly care to talk, but I am addressing the thirsting souls who area determined to follow God. and I know they will not turn back because the way leads temporarily through blackened hills. The urge of god within them will assure their continuing the pursuit. They will face the facts however unpleasant and endure the cross for the joy set before them. So I am bold to name the threads out of which this inner veil is woven."The veil is something we are. Tozer explains that we are powerless because these self-sins, namely self righteousness, self admiration... etc... dwell too deep within us and are a part of our natures so we can't recognize them until the light of God is focused on them.
And I immediately remember the first time I met up with my youth pastor for an evaluation back in high school. He sensed that I had a lot of pride. Pride in serving the church, and feelings of self-righteousness. And while it was hard to eat and admit it, I knew it was true. But yet, the thought never even crossed my mind before. I was always so insecure, that I thought that there was no way that pride would ever get a hold on me, but before I knew it, there it was.
And that's why I've been coming up with all these excuses. I was prideful. I was dealing with something that I didnt' even know I had. And I think some of this even goes back to why I was struggling with the church I left several months ago. The more I dwell upon it now, the more and more I realize how blind I am.
And so in this season of surrendering, I realized that God is cleansing me. God wants all of me, not just some of it. That God doesn't want to negotiate, God wants everything. I've gotten a word from someone that God held a torch, and stuck it into my stomach. And that he was burning away all the residue that wasn't of Him. And when I first got that word, I was like wow. And then began the process of God just opening my eyes to see all the compromise in my life.
And it's been hard, but it's been good. Yesterday, I knew that God was going to speak to me at church. And He did. Sometimes, I can get a sense of when things are changing because it just so happens that the songs I sing shift or cycle. And early morning on Saturday, I just kept on singing songs that led me to remind me that I'm His beloved. That he loves me. That I'm a lover of His Presence. And that should be the only basis on why I should seek after Him. And then Sunday morning, worship was composed of songs all pointing towards His love for us, but in a sense that there is no turning back, and that I am not going to hold anything back. That He wants everything, all of me. We asked God to set a fire in our hearts that we can't control or explain. And it was so funny because the whole time, I just felt a burning in my heart. No, it wasn't because I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, but because I knew that God was stirring in my heart, that he was working in me. But even through these times, when it's hard because it's never easy to be purged, God has been encouraging me. I feel like I have a better understand of God's love for me now, than even before God opened my eyes to all of the junk I have in me. God is good. All the time.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Surrender
What does it mean to surrender? What does it mean to give God everything?
I believe that after the last season of God showing me how faithful he is, through everything... He wants me to surrender. And I think that's great, because if I didn't understand His faithfulness, how would I be able to surrender myself completely? Only after I know that regardless of how I feel, whether I can hear Him, and however I feel, He's always there, working. That He's faithful in everything that He's already started in me.
I think that the past season was significant because it was a long period of time where I could feel His presence so strongly. Even though it was right after a big transitional period, it was still something that I've never gone through. Every single Sunday morning at service, I would just feel His presence so tangibly, so strongly. Every time I came before Him, I just felt His sweet, gentle presence, even if I was tired, and it was 3AM in the morning. But then all of a sudden, it all died down. And Pastor Quoc over and over again repeated that God is faithful. That whatever He has started in us, He will complete. That we need to worship in faith, even when we don't "feel it," because God is always working, whether we "feel it" or not.
But through that last season of understanding His faithfulness, I still feel insecure. How much am I really worth? I know He loves me, but what do I have to offer? I would ponder at what I'm good at. I just wanted one thing that I was gifted at, just one thing that I could offer. The past year, I've met and gotten to know so many people where I could just see God's anointing on them. I've met people who's passion to worship is so contagious. I've met people that seem to be able to hear God's voice clearly and consistently, and are so sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I've met people who have a intercessors' heart, people that just never seem to run out of steam. They just continually pray for others and know what to pray for and how to pray for everyone. I've met people that can speak truth and life with authority. I've met people that have a hunger for revival to come on their campus.
And I just sat in my room thinking. I know how to play guitar, I've led worship before, but I'm not anointed like these people are. And I can go on and on. I've thought about so many different gifts, and just compared myself to someone I knew that had that anointing. And I just felt so discouraged. I felt like I had nothing of worth to offer. Just my measly twenty minutes of guitar playing and singing, but it wasn't even anointed. Just my few minutes of listening to what God had to say to me, but without the clarity of the people that have that gift. My prayer is no where near as convicted as... but then it hit me.
Sometime last week, I decided to pick up The Vision, by Rick Joyner, a book that I have started a long time ago, and was near completion, but never got around to finishing it until early this week:
I feel like I've missed the whole point. I lost my focus from Jesus. As I reflected upon it a little more, it was pride - I thought I've gone so far. And I have, but only to realize that there is so much more. It's like I've only got a tiny glimpse of what God has in store for me, what he's going to do. And because I don't usually consider myself a prideful person, when someone finally tells me they feel that I have a prideful spirit, it shocks me because I can't believe I haven't noticed. And so starts the process of God pruning me. And that process is never fun, but I'm excited to when all the residue bursts into flames and those barriers are gone.
And while God continues to sharpen me, I've come to realization that he does have a plan for me. Not because I'm such an awesome person, but because of His grace. Also, that I shouldn't be seeking after the anointing of others, because it wouldn't fit me anyway. All God wants is what I have, even if it's just two coins. I think it all comes to spending time in my secret place. I mean that's giving him my all, giving him my time. Now come to think of it, I can feel His presence so strongly every time I go to church, every time I am at a prayer meeting, but I can still feel empty. There's still a certain part of me that needs to be filled when I'm with Jesus alone. It's then when I am truly fed.
Ahh, as I write this, I just can't help but feel like there are gaps. I just know that there is so much more that I don't know yet, but that God will show me.
I'm just going to end with a something that God told me after dance practice while we were asking God for direction for our ministry. I just heard Him speaking to me, in a gentle voice: "Tim, do you think that your dance skills matter when you worship me? You and your team could be great, amazing dancers, on par with high-caliber teams like Kaba Modern or The Company, yet still not be able to touch anyone. The only way you guys will be able to move and touch people is through me. It's not about you Tim. Remember that I can use the weak.
And as one of the newest members, sometimes I just tend to feel like I'm always straggling on picking up the choreography, but now I know...
I believe that after the last season of God showing me how faithful he is, through everything... He wants me to surrender. And I think that's great, because if I didn't understand His faithfulness, how would I be able to surrender myself completely? Only after I know that regardless of how I feel, whether I can hear Him, and however I feel, He's always there, working. That He's faithful in everything that He's already started in me.
I think that the past season was significant because it was a long period of time where I could feel His presence so strongly. Even though it was right after a big transitional period, it was still something that I've never gone through. Every single Sunday morning at service, I would just feel His presence so tangibly, so strongly. Every time I came before Him, I just felt His sweet, gentle presence, even if I was tired, and it was 3AM in the morning. But then all of a sudden, it all died down. And Pastor Quoc over and over again repeated that God is faithful. That whatever He has started in us, He will complete. That we need to worship in faith, even when we don't "feel it," because God is always working, whether we "feel it" or not.
But through that last season of understanding His faithfulness, I still feel insecure. How much am I really worth? I know He loves me, but what do I have to offer? I would ponder at what I'm good at. I just wanted one thing that I was gifted at, just one thing that I could offer. The past year, I've met and gotten to know so many people where I could just see God's anointing on them. I've met people who's passion to worship is so contagious. I've met people that seem to be able to hear God's voice clearly and consistently, and are so sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I've met people who have a intercessors' heart, people that just never seem to run out of steam. They just continually pray for others and know what to pray for and how to pray for everyone. I've met people that can speak truth and life with authority. I've met people that have a hunger for revival to come on their campus.
And I just sat in my room thinking. I know how to play guitar, I've led worship before, but I'm not anointed like these people are. And I can go on and on. I've thought about so many different gifts, and just compared myself to someone I knew that had that anointing. And I just felt so discouraged. I felt like I had nothing of worth to offer. Just my measly twenty minutes of guitar playing and singing, but it wasn't even anointed. Just my few minutes of listening to what God had to say to me, but without the clarity of the people that have that gift. My prayer is no where near as convicted as... but then it hit me.
Sometime last week, I decided to pick up The Vision, by Rick Joyner, a book that I have started a long time ago, and was near completion, but never got around to finishing it until early this week:
"When My Father moves His little finger, the whole universe trembles. To shake the nations with your words does not impress anyone who dwells here. But when even the least of My brethren on earth shows love, it brings joy to My Father's heart. When even the most humble church sings to My Father with true love in their hearts, He silences all of heaven to listen to them. He knows that one cannot help but to worship when they are beholding His glory here, but when those who are living in such darkness and difficulty sing with true hearts to Him, it touches Him more than all of the myriads of heaven can. Many times, the broken notes from earth caused all of heaven to weep with joy as they beheld My Father being touched. A few holy ones struggling to express their adoration for Him has many times caused Him to weep. Every time I see My brethren touch Him with true worship, it makes the pain and grief I knew on the cross seem like a small price to pay. Nothing brings Me more joy than when you worship My Father. I went to the cross so that you could worship Him through Me. It is in this worship that you, the Father and I are all one."
"Here, where His glory is seen, the angels cannot help but to worship. When you worship without seeing His glory in the midst of your trials, that is worship in Spirit and in truth. The Father seeks such to be His worshipers. Do not waste your trails. Worship the Father, not for what you will receive, but to bring Him joy. You will never be stronger than when you bring Him joy, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
I feel like I've missed the whole point. I lost my focus from Jesus. As I reflected upon it a little more, it was pride - I thought I've gone so far. And I have, but only to realize that there is so much more. It's like I've only got a tiny glimpse of what God has in store for me, what he's going to do. And because I don't usually consider myself a prideful person, when someone finally tells me they feel that I have a prideful spirit, it shocks me because I can't believe I haven't noticed. And so starts the process of God pruning me. And that process is never fun, but I'm excited to when all the residue bursts into flames and those barriers are gone.
And while God continues to sharpen me, I've come to realization that he does have a plan for me. Not because I'm such an awesome person, but because of His grace. Also, that I shouldn't be seeking after the anointing of others, because it wouldn't fit me anyway. All God wants is what I have, even if it's just two coins. I think it all comes to spending time in my secret place. I mean that's giving him my all, giving him my time. Now come to think of it, I can feel His presence so strongly every time I go to church, every time I am at a prayer meeting, but I can still feel empty. There's still a certain part of me that needs to be filled when I'm with Jesus alone. It's then when I am truly fed.
Ahh, as I write this, I just can't help but feel like there are gaps. I just know that there is so much more that I don't know yet, but that God will show me.
I'm just going to end with a something that God told me after dance practice while we were asking God for direction for our ministry. I just heard Him speaking to me, in a gentle voice: "Tim, do you think that your dance skills matter when you worship me? You and your team could be great, amazing dancers, on par with high-caliber teams like Kaba Modern or The Company, yet still not be able to touch anyone. The only way you guys will be able to move and touch people is through me. It's not about you Tim. Remember that I can use the weak.
And as one of the newest members, sometimes I just tend to feel like I'm always straggling on picking up the choreography, but now I know...
Friday, September 30, 2011
Eight Count
Congratulations Timothy!
Thank you so much for attending the Eight Count Dance Ministry auditions. After extensive review of your audition and interview, we would like to cordially invite you to be a part of the Eight Count Dance Ministry! We felt that you will be an invaluable member to the dynamic fellowship and quality performance of the ministry. Therefore, please mark your calendar with the following dates...
YES. Third year auditioning, and finally making it on the team after a year of being on the training ministry, and then another year being the understudy. PTL. Thank you Jesus! Now, to just pray that my schedule will be okay and that I pass the FE exam even though I'll be missing parts of the review sessions on Tues/Thurs. Man, I'm so excited for this upcoming season, I really don't know why. It feels so different. I know it got really tough after a while because I put myself in the wrong mindset last season. But yeah, I am determined to glorify God and him alone this season. Not losin' focus. Even after callbacks and the interview, I was really surprised that I felt absolutely at peace. I didn't feel uneasy or anything like that for the next 5 days until I got the results like I did the last two years. I knew that it was in God's hands, and that if I didn't make it, then it wouldn't have been the right time for me to be a part of the ministry.
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